Have you played the amazing Pokemon Go yet? NOOOO???? Where are you? 1975?? For fuck’s sake stay with the plot. Pokemon Go is the biggest thing since the wheel. Since the bicycle. Since internal combustion engines. Since the death of internal combustion engines. Since Wales in the Euros. Ok, its big, you get the idea. And its only been out for about 10 minutes. Massive. Everyone’s playing it. Although no-one I know has actually paid for it. Not the point. Its the newest of new video games.

Just what the world needs; you think, in your tragic ignorance. Another reason for Little Lard-ass Junior to sit staring at another fucking screen for 6 hours eating Doritos and M&Ms, chugging back all the high-sugar fizzy drink colourants he/she can wrap his/her gob around and generally zoning out, oblivious to the world.

Well that’s where you’re wrong. Those genii in Pokemon-land have made a game that makes you walk. You’d think kids would hate that. Any kind of forced movement is generally viewed as punishment by the young. But in this they have to get up, move around, leave the house and go a-wandering to find those pesky Poke-men. Because the Pokemons just pop up on your screen, but like, in the real world. So you see one against your fridge. Where you bounce a ball to kill it/ dispatch it/ whatever the fuck you’re supposed to do to it/with it. And then you go find another. Might be by the front door, in the driveway, down the road, in the park anywhere. You roam, you search, you find them. Brilliant.

So the good thing is that your children are no longer sitting down glued to a fucking screen all day. No. Now they move around glued to a fucking screen all day instead. And they search for these pokemons. In fields and parks and shopping centres, in the homes of local paedophiles, child molesters and cannibals, they search off the edge of cliffs, down ravines, across motorways whilst the lorries and trucks are pounding by. Its brilliant. And obviously addictive.

Thus the bad thing is that Pokemon Go now sends another zillion phone zombies out onto the streets already filled with countless other morons who already stare at phones all day.

Someone has fallen off a cliff. A guy in New Zealand has given up his job to become a professional Pokemon finder. Although ‘professional’ normally implies some kind of payment, but obviously not in this case. I found 7,000 Pokemon. And starved to death. He claims to have ‘seen’ loads of new towns in his hunting. In fact, he has walked through those towns staring at his phone, so not sure how much he’s actually ‘seen’. Some churches are telling people to attend because the place is filled with ‘virtual’ Pokemons. Obviously Christian Pokemons. Other places are telling Pokemon hunters to stay away and fuck off. They’re in the way.

I’m going to treat Pokemon Go-ers just like I do everyone else walking down crowded pavements oblivious to the world and staring at their phones. Shouting at them, elbowing them and trying to hurt them in as many ways as I can.

Happy hunting

A xxxx