I wish to pay homage to Mr Sadiq Kahn, the esteemed mayor of London. I wish to praise him, I wish to list his accomplishments and commend his character. I’d like to extol his virtues and proclaim his wonderfulness during his time in Mayoral office.

But I can’t. Because he’s a tosser way beyond normal standards of such people. If he has one unique qualification above each and every other man, woman, person and thing in the entire world, its is his ability to consistently be the Tosser of Tossers.

I’ve given him time, I’ve been very patient. But enough is enough.

It’s not physical. I don’t care that he looks like a schoolboy on an economics day trip to a biscuit factory. Although not sure he’d have studied economics. Art, maybe. Woodwork. General Studies.

And its not aural. Just because he speaks terribly, awfully, badly. I’m an East End boy. I love a glottal stop. I ‘ate it when ‘e drops ‘is aitches, but I can live with it. Even though the problem seems to be getting worse rather than better. In his time at the top levels of national politics his image advisors seem to be sending him the wrong way from ‘received pronunciation’ towards the way more ‘estuary’ phonics. “No, no, nooooo”, they say, “that is way too Boris Johnson, Sadiq, too posh, too proper, not what we’re looking for at all. We need more ‘school playground in Dagenham’, so try it again…”

It’s not even because he promised to build 50,000 new homes and has actually produced 3. Though the roof’s not complete on the third one yet. There again, all incoming mayors promise housing and don’t produce. It’s expected of them.

But Sadiq is a tosser because he cannot make any public statement, rehearsed or otherwise, no comment, no single utterance without adding the phrase “… due to the awful way the epidemic has been handled by this government.” Which is petty, it is politicising something that is apolitical, and implies someone else might have done better. All from a man who was conspicuously totally absent for the first 6 weeks of lockdown. Invisible. Out the way. Locked in his house with guards. Hiding. Yet feels compelled by some quasi-Corbynistic faux-leftish posturing to add his rather pathetic little digs at ‘this government’ just because he can. Because he’s the Mayor. Because he’s a tosser.

Happy weather’s-gone-all-funny day

A xxxx