We’ve all been there. (Some of us far more often than we’d like). You get to your tube station and head for the escalators to take you upwards, skywards, streetwards. And there’s fifteen hundred people in the way (always) queuing to take the right hand side of the escalator, the ‘standing still’ side, and four people (me, Mel and 2 unknown hyperactives called Ron and Joan) barging through to get to the left-hand side, the ‘walking up’ one. And I’ve never understood why that is the case.

Do these people just ‘stand’ on their stairs at home? Do they just stand on ladders? What’s the point, you don’t get anywhere. Ahhh, but these stairs move for you. Yes, but if you move as well, its a very simple relativity equation required to show you that you will get there quicker. And its good for you.

There are signs. FAT LAZY BASTARDS ON THE RIGHT!!! Aimed mainly at tourists who require gentle nudging to get them off the walking side so they can enjoy the wonders of London from the stationary, fat bastard and foreigner side. And fit, healthy people, or even people who wish to become that way, head to the right.

Women in heels don’t count. Many can’t count. But all can possibly get stuck in the steps due to ridiculously impractical footwear. They can stand still as they like. They’re generally nice to look at as you walk past.

But the situation is such a problem at the ‘big, interchange’ stations that they’re trying something new at Holborn. No walking up allowed. How does that work?? Both sides standing. Hmmmmmm.

Because so few actually bother to walk up, they can’t load sufficient fat lazy bastards onto just one side quickly enough. So bugger the walkers, we can heap twice as many porkers onto the escalator as we could down just one half. Thus by stopping the one in twenty who actually appear to have somewhere they want to be, it actually increases the speed of passenger movement and prevents the big congestions.

Its just a n’experiment for a month. To see if anyone dies as a consequence. Which would only be someone like me who might explode due to frustration of being forced to keep still for 22 seconds.

But its so wrong. Why not just educate people (do they really not know this already???) that its good to MOVE YOUR LARDY ASS. That its quicker, better, nicer. And then ban people from standing still. Shoot them. Tip them off. Walk up both sides or take the bus. Disabled? Pregnant? Get a taxi.

Alternatively, whilst you have so many people milling around at the bottom of the escalators, a captive audience, sell them stuff. Food. Croissants. Bacon rolls. Cream buns. Bottles of coke (original, not lite).

I blame my mate, The Legend. He changed those lovely advertising posters that hadn’t changed since 1975 for flat screen digital moving advertising on the escalator walls, and as the general ‘nob on the street’ lives for staring at screens, they increase screen-time by standing rather than walking when you might be missing all that… er… something really riveting.

Won’t Leicester EVER lose????

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx