Tom Daley, olympic diver extraordinaire and pin-up boy for the swimming pool classes and other teenage schoolgirls, this week announced that he is in a great and happy relationship, with a man (!!!!), though he still ‘likes’ girls.

Now some cynics initially thought that sweet Tom was simply apparently hedging to keep those teenies screaming and throwing their underwear at him as they represent the major part of his following.The rest of which is, funnily enough, middle-aged gay men. One of whom he is currently dating.

Yet I then read an interesting article on how Tom Daley ‘should not be classified’ as ‘gay’ or even ‘bisexual’ because those terms are simply too restrictive and pigeon-holing (that’s a metaphor, not a bizarre sexual practice on Hampstead Heath after dark… as far as I know) and people no longer have to fit into distinct categories of sexuality just to please others. I mean, someone might be bisexual but want the odd fling with animals. Or Lib Dems. Someone else might be gay but be into cannibalism or necrophilia. That’s fine and dandy, we simply don’t need to constrain these activities by giving someone a category in which they must live.

The Romans lived by their motto; ad nauseum nils illigitium cosa nostra domine ave maria. Which translates (loosely… very loosely) as: if its gotta pulse, shag it, if it don’t, cook it. They didn’t discriminate nor differentiate between sexual proclivities.

The other approach to this new libertarianism so we know who’s into what with whom and how many of them, is to create new and unambiguous definitions. Ones that could be worn on badges so that potential partners or suitors or dominatrices, subservients, slaves, pseudo-masochists, neo-zoophiliacs or Mormons know the score before they even make their apporach.

I’m a straight man. But I have, and I admit this freely, often been tempted to become a lesbian. Does that make me some kind of straight dyke? A ‘stryke’?

Or little diving Tommy; he’s gay but not definitively. He’s a ‘spoof’.

Someone who sleeps with men for 2 weeks then women for 2 weeks would be a bicyclist

Sex with dogs would become Fidophilia

A pedagog likes staring at feet

Jimmy Saville abused over 100 kids to become a centipede.

And someone who likes their testicles being nailed to floorboards is a fucking idiot.

Right, that’s sorted out the world of sexuality, real and imagined.

A great man died yesterday. Probably the greatest man of several generations. Rest in Peace, Nelson Mandela. There’ll never be another.

Happy Friday

A xxxx