I just can’t understand how, for the 57th consecutive year, I’ve missed out in the New Year’s honours list. It just makes no sense whatsoever. I mean, just look at me, ffs, I’m worth a CBE just for being gorgeous. But when you take into consideration all my wonderful benevolence and my vital assistance to ‘the community’ (that vague and meaningless conglomeration of worthless freeloaders and tax avoiders), it is an actual crime against humanity, against morality, against… against me! I should be a Lord, no question about it. I’d take a knighthood. Shit, I’d take ‘Dame’ in front of my name if there was one begging. But no. Iris Elba gets one for earning 225 million quid a year making Luther and rubbing up against Ruth Wilson. I’d do that for nothing. Daniel Levy gets a CBE or OBE or some other useless set of letters which come AFTER your name, so are of no value whatsoever, and as some joker pointed out; another who has to get his rewards by leaving Spurs. They awarded some useless woman an OBE for getting sacked by the BBC for showing the Gaza documentary which was produced by Hamas, FFS.

So getting sacked by the Beeb is worthy of an ‘honour’, whereas being a perfect human being gets you fuck all. Again.

I give to charity. Ok, I bunged a pound coin at a homeless man, but only to distract him so I could nick his can of Tenants Extra. Which would cost 2.47 in Tescos, so that shows great ingenuity as well. Yet I remain honour-free. I’ve done more to sustain the black economy than all the market traders in Bethnal Green. But get no recognition.

When I was at ‘number 10’, many years ago, for a Chanukah party, I shook hands with David Cameron. I palmed him a £50 note, with a big wink, assured that I’d be Lord Conway before the week was out. All I got was note thanking me for my donation to the Conservative Party and price list for honours, starting at 22,000 for a CBE.

So I’ve decided to adopt a more egalitarian approach. I’ve become ‘anti-honours’ as they exist to sustain the horrible class system in our nation. To exemplify all that is wrong with Britain. That ‘entitlement’ comes from the word ‘title’ and we can all live without them. Happily. Or, in my case, miserably. We can live without aspirations to Little Lord Fortleroy, we no longer have to ‘doff our caps’ at some poncey tosser because his grandfather’s uncle was given a back garden by Henry VII’s third cousin. We are a nation free from the malevolent class system which has ruled here since King Canute pulled the sword out of the lake. Or someone did something like that, anyway.

I’m free from worry. Free from title. Free from destructive and anachronistic class system in our land.

Happy Tuesday

(Sir) A xxxx