I never realised that you ‘apply’ for a knighthood. Who’d’a thought that? You just go on the website, knights-of-the-realm.com (don’t go, I made that one up) and download an application. I want to be a knight. I’m a good guy, I have my own sword (no euphemisms here) and I’m fucking noble.

Yet its not that simple. I wonder if there’s a fee for application. Yet apparently that’s how its done. You tick the boxes and Her Majesty decides whether to get you to take a knee before her. I’d always thought that some kind of committee-of-toffs would meet at, like, Camelot, and summon you, with a horseman, because they’d noticed how wonderful you were.

David Beckham didn’t qualify. Well, he did qualify, but then became unqualified. And he wants a knighthood. He really wants a knighthood. Alex Ferguson’s got one. Bobby Charlton’s got one, Elton John’s got one. Why not Becks? Sir David and Lady Posh. Think of the letterheads.

The reason Beckham didn’t get his knighthood was that he had invested in some offshore tax thingy, not an illegal one, but, as most are, a little on the dodgy, ‘tax avoidancey’ side. As you would if you were worth hundreds of millions. By contrast, Philip Green was (and is) domiciled in Monaco (for tax purposes) when he was knighted. Jimmy Savile we don’t even mention. Ooops.

And what qualifications do you need to get knighted? Well, you need to have done things. Good things. Sitting in the pub all weekend watching football doesn’t qualify. Sadly. Or we’d be a nation of knights. So, despite the fact that Beckham is one of the most loved people in the country, he also does good stuff. Stuff unrelated to getting more tattoos or driving big cars and trucks. He worked very hard on the Olympic bid for 2012, which we won, in part through his efforts which, its safe to assume, in his case, was just by turning up and smiling. He was captain of his country’s football team and single-handedly dragged that sorry bunch through lots of victorious battles. And he is loved. Throughout the world. Both for the grace he displayed when playing our game (kicking out at Argentinians notwithstanding) and for his seemingly endless charity work.

He didn’t get knighted, so ‘allegedly’ sent some rather unhappy emails to his mate. Which were stolen/hacked and they tried to blackmail him. David Beckham, victim of bottom-feeding scum. He refused to pay them so they appeared in the Daily Mirror. Complete with the required righteous indignation from the collective world of media high horses. Like Piers (fucking) Morgan. Who’d give both testicles for a knighthood. Or any recognition from anyone, even his own mother.

Ok, so slagging off opera singers isn’t particularly nice, but so what. We’ve all done it. ?????

Leave Sir David alone. He’s lovely and we love him and he should be rewarded for putting up with Victoria for all these years, if nothing else.

Happy Wednesday

Sir Andy
xxxxx