Let me tell you about Larry. He’s our martial arts leader, guru, god (small ‘g’… very small) and Grand Master. He was a black belt before he could walk. He had his 5th dan before his barmitzvah (only Rabbi Shlomo ben Zvi ever achieved higher, in 1846), is an expert in Tai Chi, karate, jujitsu, aikido, kung fu, boxing, stabbing, head-butting and absolutely anything violent. A true expert with swords, both Japanese and Chinese, knives, bats, bricks, bottles, chairs and anything he can lay his hands on. He also has an advanced degree (suma cum laude) in swearing. And he teaches us unarmed combat. Any situation, however dangerous or seemingly impossible, however many guns, knives, swords or grenades are faced; we can overcome. There is no man we ever need to fear. Though you are allowed to cry.

But a cat is not a man. They’re much smaller (good thing), more furry (no relevance) and lick their own arses 50 times a day (really bad thing). And on Wednesday, Larry, ever the peacemaker (I know, ironic, huh?) whilst breaking up a fight between his cat and neighbour’s, suffered a teeth-sinking incident. The cat’s teeth, his left hand. He’s now in hospital on IV antibiotics as his hand looks like this pic. In fact it is this pic. There’s no room in the pic for anything else.

Today we had a ‘substitute Grand Master’ and it was a good class. Even without the boss, we shall continue. We are fucking warriors!!! Cleverly disguised as a bunch of feeble old men.

The moral of this story is: if faced with 3 armed masked Commandos coming one way, and a sweet little pussy-cat coming the other way; go for the Commandos. Or kill the cat.

Today is the third day of the wonderful celebrations of The Jubilee. The Queen’s not comin’, she’s ‘uncomfortable’. Which is a shame. I actually think the discomfort comes from forcing a smile under the blaze of a million cameras and lights, for 8 hours at a stretch. And that’s a stretch of the facial muscles around the mouth.

I’m celebrating by… errrr… ignoring it altogether and concentrating on tennis tomorrow.

Get well, Larry,

A xxxx