In a landmark case, Her Majesty’s Customs and Revenue, (known by the acronym: BASTARDS; British Association of Stupid Taxation And Ridiculous Double Standards) have declared that Pilates, the life-affirming, longevity-assuring system of stretches, poses and meditative postures, does not qualify as ‘educational’ even though its job is to teach its victims, sorry, its pupils, the path to a better, healthier lifestyle. And in removing the educational umbrella, Pilates is subject to VAT. This is a double whammy. Not only will Gwyneth Paltrow have to find an extra £726,547 per year for the tax on next year’s classes, but also, this ruling is backdated to the very beginning of time. To the Big Bang. So all classes ever have been subject to vat, so cough up the last 30 years of back tax, NOW. HMRC decided that rather than an educational activity, Pilates is ‘leisure’ or ‘entertainment’.

Have they never done it then? Leisure?? Plank? Downward Dog?? Constipated Warrior Before the Martians Land???? (Ok, I made that one up, but they probably have something similar). Leisure? Its about as leisurely as a week with ISIS. As a prisoner. Its as ‘entertaining’ as boot camp. I am starting a petition to HMRC in protest to this ruling, on the grounds that Pilates is in no way whatsoever enjoyable, leisurely or entertaining. And if it makes you more ‘stretchy’, more supple, more likely to live longer, then I shall remain a stiffended up old creaker who lives less long but at least enjoys what little time he has.

Poor Philip Hughes. What a tragedy. Its always a tragedy when a young man dies, even when he’s Australian. And at 26 years old, really really awful. Thus cricket must be banned for the horrifically dangerous sport it obviously is. That’s now, errr, 2 deaths in first class cricket in the last 250 years, and the other one actually died of old age whilst waiting for Geoffrey Boycott to hit a run. As did 4,627 of the crowd at Trent Bridge.

Yet you know this will be the cry from the media, from the hysterics, from the knee-jerkers, from all and sundry: Cricket = DEATH, sure as night follows day, or dusk, or the previous night, or whatever. Pretty sure anyway, unless you live in the North Pole.

And terrible though this tragedy is, it must be seen in perspective. One death. An absolute freak, random ball that managed to hit him on the back of the head in such a way that his helmet didn’t work sufficiently. That doesn’t mean we need to dress batsmen up in submersible suits. Its just an accident. Could have happened crossing the road, walking upstairs to bed, being fired as a ‘human cannonball’. You simply can’t legislate for every and all possible occurrences that may, once every millennium or so, happen. Its life. Or, more accurately, its death.

Cricket’s fine as it is, thank you very much. Leave it alone.
Feel very sorry for Philip’s family and friends. And very very sorry for the poor bowler.

Happy, slightly saddened, Thursday

A xxxx