I hate the rain. Tennis just got cancelled. The lawn can’t be mowed. The car’s wet. And we won’t be able to do lots of ‘things’ like walking, gardening, all those -ings that get done on bank holiday weekends. Another bank holiday weekend. The fifth this week. So it seems.

But… and yet… though…

if ever you ‘simply have to stay indoors’, then today is most certainly the day. The most wonderful day ever. And not just day, but half the night too. Because today is officially, sports-not-to-be-missed day. Not played, of course, playing sport is for wimps. For watching.

Though a brief mention of ‘other news’ first, before the sportsfest begins.

Some (tosser) bloke has invented the ‘superfood’. Its called Soylent, after the old science fiction book (in which that version of Soylent ends up being made from slaughtered humans; fucking good advert that is) and is the complete and perfect food for humans. Just add the powder to water and create a beige sludge which, whilst not tasting essentially ‘good’ in any foody sense, will not make you instantly vomit like most other ‘superfoods’ that Gwynnie and Madonna currently use. And the balance of vitamins and proteins and goodness is so… so… so good, that all you need otherwise is some special oil which he provides for lipids and wonderful unfatty fats that caress your heart lovingly and clear your arteries and stroke your testicles. From within!

One question: by how many miles does this man miss the whole point of ‘food’?? I’d rather live on kebabs and McDonalds and die younger.

UKIP won lots of seats on councils yesterday. Lots. They provided their ‘earthquake’ in an almost-racist, near-xenophobic, slaughter-the-foreigners way. The whole nation turned to these saviours of British values. Except in London, where they were laughed off the polls and won very little. So as Tory Boy said to me last night at dinner: ‘the best reason yet for not letting people outside London vote’. And I must admit, with obvious respect for both the democratic process and to the inbreds, retards, gullible dimwits and uncultured residents of Burnley, Norwich, Halesowen and The Wirral, that I’m inclined to agree with him.

So, be in your seat by 3 o’clock for the Championship play-off final, the single most valuable football match in the world. Worth an estimated £80million to the winner who will then spend a year in the top flight as the real reward. Derby playing Queens Park Rangers, for which me mate Dave has made a 24-hour trip from Israel back here to, hopefully, go back tonight very very happy. Incredible that the match to decide who came third in the second division is worth way more than the Champions League final. Which is on at 7.45 on a screen very near you. Gareth Bale and Ronaldo versus Athletics Madrid, the wonderful underdogs. Oh my.

And in between, the Heikeken cup final with Jonny Wilkinson playing in French, with subtitiles, for Toulon against Saracens to decide Europe’s finest rugby team.

What a day this is destined to be.

Happy saturday

A xxxx