The best festival in the Jewish calendar is Chanukah. No arguments, no challenges, no nuffink, its the best. It’s the ‘festival of light’ and celebrates a miracle. When Judah Maccabee fought off the Romans/Greeks/Babylonians/Real Madrid and saved Jerusalem and the Temple. But there was only enough oil to keep the ‘eternal flame’ alight for one day. Blah, blah, blah, it only fucking lasted EIGHT DAYS until they could get to Waitrose and buy more. A miracle! God dunnit!!! To appreciate the magnitude of this miracle some clever shit created an analogy. It’s like you have just 8% charge in your iPhone but it lasted a week!!!! Chanukah. And to celebrate the miracle we light a candle every night for eight days. And to symbolise the oil we are encouraged to eat fried things. Rabbis are either all on statins or they don’t know shit about health. So doughnuts and latkes (potato pancakes) are the order of the day(s). And somewhere along the line, as happens, Chanukah got a bit Christmassy and presents got involved. Kids get a present every night for eight days. So every kid just loves Chanukah. Adults do too. Mainly because there’s no ‘go to Synagogue NOW!’ requirement.

We took our rental car to the Europecar in Jerusalem because in that city you need a car like you need a camel. And the guy ran out to tell us where their car park was, but don’t go now, because the guys from there are all here to light the candles. How many Car Rental Operatives does it take to light a candle? All of them. So come in, said the guy, we’ll light the candles, you can have a drink, a doughnut and then take the car. Which is exactly what we did. They did the blessings (always a blessing), we ate doughnuts, we drank juice and sang. Israelis, us, Germans, French, Jews, non-Jews, everyone. And I thought: THIS IS THE MOST WONDERFUL, LOVELY, TIMELESS, COOLEST BRILLIANT THING EVER. Not just the doughnut, the whole thing.

The hotels all have ‘candle lighting’ at 5 or whenever, and obviously doughnuts. But its a Jewish country and they’re in the hospitality business. But Europecar?

Then on our last night we went to eat at one of our real faves. A place called ‘Miznon’, which means ‘counter’ as in shop counter. And Miznon, other than the food, which is made by the angels, is a vision of Hell. The ‘counter’ is crowded with people eating, people waiting for food, with cooks and staff. The music only plays at volume ‘11’ and most of the staff scream along with whatever’s playing. When your food arrives they just shout your name out, but like REALLY SHOUT IT OUTTTTT!!!!! The only seating is outside on the pavement, plastic tables and chairs. Cutlery is provided but not encouraged. Because most of what they serve comes in a little pitta pouch. And it is fucking chaos. It’s not a kosher place, it opens on Fridays and Saturdays (a sin in some places in Israel) and everyone there is pierced or tattooed within an inch of their lives.

Yet at about 8 o’clock the music stopped, the lights dimmed and they lit the candles. On with a kippa, blessings duly made, shots for everyone!!! In a wonderfully Godless place (other than the food) like Miznon.

I’ve always loved Chanukah, but in the promised land its just so special.

And I only mention this because Spurs Paul made me.

Happy New Year, its 20-fucking-20

A xxxx