Ok, so 70, for some reason, has become the latest… thing. Everyone’s turning 70, or thereabouts, so you get articles like this one, showing you what to do so that when you approach that terribly awful number of years, you’re not just still alive, like with a tube up your nose and a walking frame and a nursing home, but ALIVE and fit and well. The problem is, if you need to read the Times to work out that basically “eating shit will kill ya, whilst salads, vegetables and all the things you really don’t like, will keep you glossy and shiny, upright and mobile… f’rever!!!!”, unless your 30, its too late. You can’t just change from 20 Rothmans a day, 5 pints a night, pork scratchings, microwave dinners and deep fried spam, to ‘healthy living’ when you’re, like, 67, and expect to turn back the years of abuse. No. You’re good as dead, mate, might as well carry on and at least enjoy your last few years.

I’m miles from 70. Though that depends on how you measure a ‘mile’. Like Mel’s electric vehicle, I use a great degree of flexibility with the term, particularly when age is concerned. But when I get there, I’m not so much bothered about being ‘healthy’, but I really want to be ‘elite’!!!

Due to the old shoulder dislocating thing, I never became an ‘elite’ footballer. And when I substituted the footy for tennis, at 28 I could never become an elite tennis player. So I needed to go to Eton and get a title (other than ‘dickhead’), then I could become ‘elite’ that way. But they wouldn’t take me. My vowels weren’t sufficiently rounded to gain entry.

And just to make it harder, there’s the ‘legume’ issue. Its a French word. It means ‘vegetable’. Or it did. Apparently now its been reigned in. Downgraded. Now it is ONLY a few certain things, like beans and lentils and peas and… peanuts!! And as I get through about 3 jars of peanut butter a week and can dispense with 500gms of roasted, salted, M&S large ones in about 14 minutes; I’m good on me legumes.

But does it make me ‘elite’? Though you still need to eat a truckload of green shit every week just to keep upright, apparently.

I’ll worry about it when I’m 69.

Happy Elite Wednesday

A xxxx