This weekend is the annual ‘Boat Race’. There’s only one. Which counts, the rest no-one gives a shit about. And that’s precisely the problem. Shit. In the water. More specifically, in our rivers, streams and seas. Loads of it. To the point where there is a warning on the River Thames, the nation’s only ‘proper’ river, by virtue of it running fru Luundun, which none’a de others don’t. The warning is for e-coli, the horrible bacterial infection. Which is such a problem in ‘the River’ that they’ve said that the Oxford and Cambridge boat race teams really shouldn’t throw their cox into the water after the race, as is tradition. Because he (or she) will possibly be dead before they resurface. Ok, so they could take a spare one, for the ride home, as they’re only small, but that misses the point.

Our waterways have basically become the nation’s toilet system. Because the water and waste companies get confused about that particular bit of multi-tasking and confuse the water with the waste. And thus, in times of stress, or even heavy rainfall (this is England, FFS, we ARE heavy rainfall) the shit gets dumped… anywhere. Rivers, the Sea, waterways to a massive extent. The actual magnitude of which is the real issue under discussion. Well, I’m discussing it, everyone else thinks it’s too gross, but I care for my environment in ways you wouldn’t even know about.

Because they seem to be measuring the quantity of shit dumped (yes, very funny…) not in kilograms, pounds and ounces or tons. But in ‘hours’. Last year they dumped waste for 3.6 million hours. Their limit should be just 1.8 million hours. Ok.

What the fuck does that even mean. Let’s get a bit graphic. I take a dump, that takes approximately 42 seconds. I’m good. Efficient. So if you allow, say, a minute and half, even two minutes with a good groan and push, then 3.6 million hours, divided by 2 minutes… that’s sixteen trillion tons of shit. Maybe 3 billion. Let’s just say ‘a lot’. Even ‘a shit load’. Because really, for any meaningful understanding, we need to know how much effluent is being siphoned off every ‘hour’. But we’re not told. Just the number of ‘hours’. Which is bit like telling everyone how big your penis is; in amps. The units are simply wrong.

The water companies make simply humongous profits. Yet bemoan sorting out this sorry, sad and soiled mess. I’m thinking of going on a toilet strike until this dire situation is rectified. Not sure how that’ll work out but that’s the meaning of most strikes really.

BOYCOTT THE BOG! NOWWWW!!!

Happy Thursday

A xxxx