I think its due to my upbringing. Society’s to blame. But whatever the reason, I’m not keen on ‘rules’, particularly when it comes to food. Yet even worse are people who feel the need to find loopholes in those rules rather than just ignoring them. As if that gives them the right to be somehow morally superior to those who just flaunt them openly and uncaringly.

The ‘kosher’ world is so full of rules that it would make the Pope become a Catholic, if he wasn’t one already, just to avoid them. Its a fucking minefield. No milk with meat. That’s the big one. So no butter on sandwiches that contain beef or chicken, and no ice-cream for desert. Ahhhh, but we can make non-dairy butter-ish spready-stuff and faux ice-cream that looks like shaving foam and tastes like shit but is 100% kosher!!!! Only black coffee or lemon tea after or with a meat meal. Everyone knows about pig, prawns, lobster and all manner of other ‘verbotens’. Fine, you do it or you don’t, you adhere for whatever reason or you ignore, your choice.

Yet they make ‘fake-on’, like bacon but made of turkey, or yoghurt or soya or something. And others choose to eat certain things on certain days which aren’t allowed but due to some minor technicality (normally hunger)… its ok!!! I hate all that.

And so to ‘lab-meat’. Not meat from a Labrador, that’s only available in Korean supermarkets, but meat constructed in a lab. Techno-meat. Because its made by scientists in Silicon Valley. And, the really exciting bit: NO ANIMALS DIE IN ITS PRODUCTION!!!! Holy Vegan!

What they do is harvest stem cells from cows and ‘build’ in labs, strips of genuine and for real cow-muscle (what we normally call ‘meat’). Grind it up, add onions and pepper, grill to just right and hey pesto (or not) an un-ham-burger-ish!!! It contains no fat (different stem cells required) so is arguably a lot healthier and an even greater lot drier than ‘normal’. So drink water with your burger. Or vegan beer.

Obviously vegans won’t go within a mile of it, because its still meat. Vegetarians similarly. And generally, people who eat meat won’t go anywhere near it because its not ‘real’ and we like our meat ‘real’. So who’s it for? Well Bill Gates and Richard Branson have invested heavily into the project so maybe they like fat-free genetically-engineered food.

More to the point; how do they get the stem cells? Do they a. ask the cow really nicely if he can give them some? b. steal a few while she’s asleep? or c. engage in minor surgery on said animal and suck ’em out with a syringe?

Its also known that stem cells are produced more rapidly around damaged tissue. So how long before what I’ll call ‘ethical meat’ is farmed by firstly causing damage to the animal’s tissue and then harvesting the stem cells? And skimping on the anaesthetic because it increases production costs? And who wants to eat meat that’s been pumped with growth hormones and steroids and all manner of shit? If you wanted that you’d buy meat from Tescos.

I mustn’t poo-poo progress and scientific advancement, its always good. And yet my inherent loophole-phobia and active tosser-rating-scale both go into hyperdrive when I hear of such garbage.

Happy Wednesday

A xxxx