The problem is cows. Lots of them. They are basically machines for turning grass into milk and steak. I know, that’s not a very vegan attitude, but I’m not really very vegan. I’m more ‘the anti-vegan!’ And I know cows can look lubberly and cudderwy, but basically they are my food chain and I want to eat them. I particularly like eating their babies. Not because I’m so fond of veal but just on principle.

But I appreciate there are a few issues about cows. Particularly as about half the world’s surface has now been turned into grazing land so that McDonalds don’t run out of burgers and so the Gaucho Grill don’t run out of Chateaubriand. And, I suppose, we do, as a species, drink a bit of milk. Eat cheese.

Cows are ruminants. Grass is pretty indigestible (try some today, you’ll still be chewing it next Tuesday) so cows, like other kosher animals, have three stomachs. Not like that fat geezer from number 27 who drinks ten pints a night, but by design. And the grass ferments as it moves between the stomachs to reduce it to the required nutritional level to keep Mrs Cow fit and fat. Yet as it ferments it produces methane gas. Which the cows release by… errrr… well, in the usual way gases are released from a body. And there’s only two exit strategies in place for such gases.

Methane is the worst of the ‘greenhouse gases’. It makes carbon look friendly. And a truly massive amount of methane is farted and burped up into our atmosphere every year by cows. If you want to put a figure on it, I’m happy to invent one: 736,422.73. Wow, that’s a lot of methanes.

So in comes Bovaer. It’s a cow food additive which prevents the enzymes in a cow’s gut from producing methane by about 40%. There are no side-effects. Known to man. Or cow. It’s cheap, effective and goes such a way to ‘saving the planet’ that over 80 countries have so far signed up to use it. Cows have said ‘it tastes like chicken’.

A win-win all round then. The farmers don’t complain (itself unusual) and the cows are happy and our great grandchildren might still have a planet in 50 years time. Surely no-one could have an issue with that?

And yet, the Twitter-tossers are up-in-arms. Why? Because they can be. They have a phone and absolutely nothing productive, helpful or worthwhile to do with their lives. Not since Covid when they were all anti-vaxers. So, as they sit there a bit short of conspiracies, in comes a revolutionary product to enhance every man, woman and cow’s life, so they might as well tip any milk from ‘additive companies’ down the toilet. And film it, of course, if it ain’t on film and posted online, it never happened.

So vote Bovaer, not anti-vax tossers.

Happy Wednesday

A xxxx