There’s a new dating app around. Just what the world needs; more people staring at phones rather than engaging with others and, like, kind’a, sort-of, like ‘meeting them’. But dating apps are big biz, big money and who am I to call the culture of the swipe ‘tripe’? Yet this new one is different. Rather than the Tindr thing, which, for want of a better parallel, is a quick one behind the pub, this new app, ‘Appetence’ is the full Mills & Boone. It doesn’t even let you see a photo of your ‘intended’ until hours of ‘conversation’ have occurred. Its more a chaperone than a hook-up thing. But that’s the intention. Romance. Remember that? Big in the 40s, 50s, 60s… then died with the smart-phone. Its about the full experience of getting to know someone in the non-biblical sense. For a while at least. The best thing about it is that on the app questionnaire you get a choice of 20 different ‘genders’ to define yourself. Wow. Just 20. Is ‘Arsenal fan’ a gender now that they’re out of the Champions League, I wonder? I’m stuck at 2 otherwise. But will make allowances for the massive range of ‘semi-gay-pre-trans’ and ‘tri-sexual hermaphrodites’ that seem to have evolved somewhere down the line.

What I say is: don’t get a dating app; get a season ticket to find true love.

For Spurs, of course. Because in the manliest of manly ways, my love for that team is currently over-flowing. Last season we played our last match at already-relegated, shit-as-anything, couldn’t win a 1-ticket raffle, Newcastle and lost 5-1. Whereas yesterday, in the season finale, we played already-relegated, what’s worse than shit but not quite dead, Hull and beat them 7-1.

Seven goals to one. Which is almost as amazing as it is meaningless. There again, football is pretty meaningless, that’s the whole point. Its the ultimate distraction.

So Harry Kane, bless his lilywhite socks, won the golden boot for the second year. He’s scored 7 goals in 4 days. Leaving me to ask that eternal question: WHY DOES THE SEASON HAVE TO END????? IF THERE REALLY WAS A GOD (who would obviously be a Spurs fan) HE/SHE/IT… (20 options elevates PC to new realms of ridiculousness) WOULDN’T LET IT HAPPEN!!!!

Arsenal beat Everton.

Happy Monday

A xxxx