So you come to Tenerife to ‘get away from it all’. Even though there is really not a lot of ‘all’ to be getting away from at this time of year. The newspapers, after 14 weeks of unblinking ‘pre-Christmas’, got over the anniversary of Christ’s birth as it started because there was no more advertising opportunity. So instead have now begun the New Years’ Eve pre-match. And because there’s nothing else happening anywhere in the world, the only thing really worth ‘getting away from’, the football, has followed me here. Not in a good way.

Spurs continued their run of awfulness, unpredictability and total rubbish yesterday. The only difference between that match at Forest and the preceding ones being that instead of having to walk all the way into my lounge to watch it, I had to traipse half way round this little island to find a bar which was willing to show Spurs, the greatest team the world has ever known, whilst they were all displaying combinations of Wolves, Southampton, Crystal Palace, even Newcastle! But no Spurs. We should have taken that as ‘a sign’. But Spurs fans are as diligent and persistent as we are stupid, and between Me, Joey, Tory-Boy and me new best mate, Dan, we persevered and eventually found a low-life bar on a shoddy beach, filled with mainly British scumbags too drunk to know what they were watching. We’d found ‘home’!!! Among the tattoos, the Scouse accents, the inbred children and the vomit. Perfect.

The thing with losing more matches than we’ve actually played is that you have nothing left in the season to wish for (Caribou Cup notwithstanding; we only have to beat Liverpool, how hard can that be??) other than Arsenal not winning the league. And possibly Spurs not getting relegated. But that’s all so negative, so uninspiring, so… so Spursy. If it wasn’t for Manchester United I think I’d have given up on football altogether.

We need Daniel Levy to look closely at our present government and adopt their tactic of ‘throwing money at problems’. We need, by my estimation, just 17 new, world-class players. That’s all. Then we can ‘advance’. We can stem the tide of a season getting horribly out of hand (though unfortunately not out of mind) and move upwards and onwards.

Either that or sell the club to a shell company owned by exiled Russian oligarchs, based in the Caymans, for tax purposes, and sponsored by a tortuous, slave-driven economy in Arab Oil-Land where not one penny is wasted on human rights laws.

I leave it to him.

Happy Christmas Sales

A xxxx