So you’re walking down a busy street, rush hour, packed with pedestrians, not much space, and the tosser coming towards you is staring at his phone. Walking straight at you. There’s no room to manoeuvre, crowds everywhere, and he’s staring at his hand. What do you do? What are the protocols? The etiquette?

The simple, elegant solution is to punch him repeatedly in the face and then when he looks up, probably a bit startled by all this violence, and rejoins planet Earth momentarily, you kick him in the bollocks. Not because it’ll get you home any quicker but just because it really is what he deserves. And it’ll make you feel much better. May even make him slightly more cautious about his phone addiction next time. But that’s doubtful.

I have a real thing about obsessive phone staring. Every time the traffic light changes to green and the cars don’t move you just know there’s some tosser phone-staring. Even though its illegal to do so in a car.

And now in a few countries they’re actually going to try and implement the same ban on phones when walking along the street. Or, and this is for real, have ‘phone lanes’ on the pavements where all the tossers can amble along in their oblivious-to-the-world state, banging into each other, holding up all the other tossers, playing Candy Crush at their leisure, away from people who actually have somewhere they want to be.

In Hawaii they want to ban phones at crossings. Because people get run over when they’re Whats’apping their mates instead at watching oncoming vehicles. As they deserve.

But evolution takes its toll, as always.

A study in Israel has shown that keeping a phone in a trouser pocket seriously fucks up a man’s sperm. Seriously. Nothing to do with the porn he may be viewing. The proximity of the phone with all its ‘radiation’ and shit, to the testes, caused abnormal sperm in almost 50% of those tested.

The scientists thought this was a problem. I think its brilliant. Its God’s way of sifting unworthy populations. If the ‘tossers’ (as I call phone-starers) have abnormal sperm they will reproduce less than ‘normal people’. And over a few generations this should eliminate the next generations of phone addicts, by natural selection. Ok, assuming that being glued to a smart-phone is an inherited characteristic, but heh, we’ll take what we can.

So perhaps, when you next see such a tosser on the street, instead of hitting him (plan A and always worth a try anyway), give him another phone to keep in his trouser pocket. Hit them in the gonads. Let Darwin take care of the rest.

I’m not talking about football.

Ever again.

Happy Monday

A xxxx