I never believe I’m ill. Even when evidence may exist to the contrary (throwing up, fever, sweats) I just think ‘naahh’. Just soldier on, you’ll be fine. Cos I am Man. And therefore pretty stupid, by design. So when Saturday came, as it often does at the end of a week, rather than take the opportunity to just rest and do nothing, I gave in to a temporary ‘feel good’ and went to tai chi for my usual 8.15 class and from there to tennis. Which I had to, because the sun was shining. And having played for the last 4 months in various degrees of damp/wet/cold/grey/horrible, to play in the sunshine when the courts aren’t covered in ice was too much to resist.

Mistake really. I ran out of energy that I never really had to begin with, came home and slept. And to show you how really ill I really am, I cancelled my booking for today. I’d never do that unless in a semi-delerious state. And I’m still coughing. Not all the time but it sounds horrible. And I cough up stuff that I’m not sure whether to spit into the toilet or take to the council dump. Nice.

Lucky I’m not an actor then, having to film sex scenes. Cos you wouldn’t want my saliva at the moment. Even if normally that is something you find appealing?

But new guidelines are being drawn up in Hollywood to protect actors and actresses from… well from EVERYTHING. In a typical over-reaction as we enter the post-Weinstein era, any touching between any two humans in any capacity whatsoever will now produce a ‘me too’ reaction and the ensuing legal action. Obviously. Everyone tends to over-react to big events and Hollywood normally over-reacts to everything. So the combination is severe.

In kissing scenes no saliva shall change… hands? Ok, no exchange of saliva. Presumably along with any other bodily fluids that might normally, in pre-me-too times, have been acceptable. No more. We need to protect actors of all genders, sexualities and combinations of the three. Or more. As yet undiscovered. Hmmm.

And all because ‘sexual abuse must stop!!’ as of course it must. Not that mere legislation can effect such a thing. Sexual abuse has never exactly been ‘legal’ or ‘part of the contract’ and that doesn’t seem to have prevented much. But is sex simulation in a movie that is part of the script, is that ‘abuse’ or any other of the terrible me-too things to occur? Acting is difficult, which is why when someone does it really well they become big. You should never be watching ‘acting’, you should only be aware of the character. And if that character is totally believable then the actor is doing a great job. But what if that totally believable character wants to have sex with another totally believable character who loves him/her/it/them/any of the above?? Then they have to be protected from ‘abuse’. Like touching. Snogging. Fondling. Because that’s abuse. So Hollywood needs to produce a metaphor for sex. In the old days that was ‘cut to the post-coital cigarette’. But smoking is now more of an abuse than raping a gerbil so you can’t use that. Maybe fondling at a suitable distance away. About a foot should do it. That should be safe.

Or you could just cut out all sex scenes until some vestige of normality has returned to the purveyors of silver screen entertainment after all the real horrors revealed of late.

I’m wonder if they’ll remake Blue is the Warmest Colour just to show how easy it could all be.

Happy, healthy Sunday

A xxxx