I had flu yesterday. It was horrible. Terrible. Debilitating. I was fit for nothing other than lying in bed feeling awful. My skin hurt. All of it. Ok, playing tennis probably didn’t help it but in my defence I didn’t realise what was going on at that point. I tested myself, even though I already had before going to tai chi, and was negative. As I still remain.

But some things are worse than Covid. And man-flu is certainly one. So I immediately went into the protocols. I went to bed, took 2 paracetamol, put myself on furlough, declared a national emergency, locked down the economy, banned anyone from seeing anyone else and then organised a party for 96 people in my bedroom for last night, as I was incapable of moving anywhere. In my house I am the prime minister. As long as Mel agrees.

So here’s the state of play for ‘entitled tossers’, live and as it stands right now:

Novak Djokovic is on his way home from Melbourne. Deported by the Aussie government who have equipped themselves in this whole episode with all the dignity and diplomacy of a gang-rape in a car park on a Liverpool council estate. They definitely ended up with the right result but… holy shit, what a fucking mess.

Prince Andrew is using ‘dodgy memory syndrome’ as part of his defence against Virginia Giuffre. A medical condition invented by desperate lawyers when all else seems doomed. Question the memory of the litigant. Epstein’s lawyers used it, Ghislaine’s lawyers used it, it has become the go-to affliction for child-abusers.

Boris Johnson has said ‘sorry’. Big. Fucking. Deal. Sorry he was caught. Not sorry for doing it. Not sorry for lying when first questioned about it. Not sorry for enabling that hypocritical, arrogant culture rife in his government, but sorry because he has to be. Is he sorry for being the type of person who chose to act in such a manner? And would do so again tomorrow?

With such competition, Boris would normally win the ‘tosser of the week’ award hands down. But this is not a normal week so the award has to go to Arsenal football club for postponing today’s match at Spurs. Until Covid teams could never request such a thing. Even now, you only can if you have an epidemic in the team. But Arsenal just have a few injuries, Xhaka suspended, as usual and one or two (probably unvaccinated) dickheads with Covid. And the league agreed. This is not just about a nation’s rights to control its borders in a pandemic, nor the rights of nobility to abuse, not even about a Prime Minister flouting his own laws and holding his country in total contempt. This is football. And should be above all that shit.

#shameonArsenal

A xxxx