I’ve decided to bow to the will of the people and stand for Prime Minister!!! Yes, your pleading and begging, crying on my doorstep, lobbying my support team (Joey) and imploring me to become the national saviour I’ve always been destined to become, has made me decide to stand tomorrow. But, like, just ‘straight to PM’, I’m not mucking about with all that local politics shit, getting a new lollipop lady for the school, neighbours bickering about a new extension, putting bobbies on the beat because Mrs Uppity feels vulnerable coming back from a night at the bingo. That’s not for me. I want the BIG stuff. Tax. Education. Defence. I want an SW1 address with a black door and I want the big red button which fires nuclear weapons. My destiny!!!

The country needs ‘CHANGE!’ And we know that because Kier Starmer is not allowed to go to sleep on any day until he’s said that word 4,750 times. And yet I agree, as everyone does, we do need a change. But disagree that Kier is the man we need to change to. He’s a flip-flopping tosser. Thus can’t be trusted. So my changes will be different to his intended ones.

Being a socialist, I’ll give lots of money to anyone who needs it. Even those miserable fuckers too lazy to get off their arses and do some work, we will support them! Make sure they have enough money for rolling tobacco and possibly even a few bob left over to feed their kids. England football shirts will be given out, FREE, on the NHS. Tax will be abolished completely, it’s nasty. This will need to be rolled out nationally, starting initially with my road.

I’ll sort out the perilous ‘trans debate’. Every ‘women’s toilet’ in the country will have a mandatory sign saying: ‘IF YOU’VE GOT A NOB YOU AIN’T COMIN IN ‘ERE!!!’ Followed by ‘go to an appropriate toilet or please take a free, disposable scalpel, stored underneath’.

Working people will be defined (are you listening, Kier) as ‘people who work’!!! I know, its not the Labour way, reserving the term for anyone who comes home at 5.30 with dirt under their fingernails, but that’s what its gonna be.

We will continue to welcome all illegal immigrants and consider them for asylum. In particular, due to their essential contribution to the nation’s economy, the ones convicted of rape, murder and assault in their country of origin.

And in line with boycotting Israel, we shall place immense skips at the end of every road. Please dump all your horrible, Israeli made or created things in there. Like: iphones, pacemakers, about half the drugs from your medicine cabinet and all your computer equipment, routers and anything else with a silicon chip. Then your conscience is clear. But you won’t be able to post that information on Instagram.

And finally, should I win, that will represent the official end of all democratic process in Britain. Like Presidents Xi and Putin, it will be my job for life. I can sack the king and become a virtual God.

Vote Andy tomorrow!! And God help you.

A xxxx