I like to cook. It’s a boy thing. All the best chefs are men. We hunt, we gather, we sauté. And although I let Mel take her turn on the hob, when I’m home I do like to Fanny Craddock up and get all foody. Though I must confess, I specialise. And my obsessions are bread-and-butter puddings, because I love them, and (vegan alert: look away now) minted lamb burgers, because I love them. No point cooking stuff you hate.

And so yesterday I decided to make a heap/pile/batch of lamb burgers. So I went to the forest where the mint grows, picked an armful and waited for a lamb to walk by as I sat there sharpening my knife. OK I bought a bouquet of mint from the supermarket and 2 pound of lamb mince from the butcher. And I can’t tell you much more because its a secret recipe. So secret that I barely know it myself. Keeps it safer that way. But that’s how I found myself on a Sunday morning, tennis having been rained off, cutting the major, central veins of mint leaves out with a very big knife. A labour of love, very time consuming and labour intensive. Thinking: ‘how did it come to this?’

The secret ingredients, like onion, garlic, mint, have to get blitzed in the little Kenwood thingy. Not the big one, just the little one. And leaf veins don’t blitz. The remain… veiny and hard and upset the whole aesthetic of the mixture. No-one eating the end product, big and fat and juicy, dribbling down their chins, would ever notice the odd mint-leaf-vein. But I’d know they were there. If I was a proper chef I’d have minions to do the splicing. Gordon Ramsey would just shout: OYY!! YOU WITH A FACE LIKE A DEAD PARROT’S ARSE-HOLE, TAKE A BUNCH OF MINT AND CUT THE FUCKING VEINS OUT’A THE FUCKING LEAVES, YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT!!! But unfortunately I lack the resources in terms of staff, and I lack the charm.

When all the mixing is complete and mixed, the egg, breadcrumbs and- NO! That’s enough. Issa secret. I form the patties. And I made 3. Then realised that from 2 pound of mince, I’d probably over-sized my burgers a bit and re-sized them to get about 8. Still big, just not supersize and humongous. They became meals rather than challenges. Though I love a challenge.

I hope to inspire a generation to appreciate the wonders of the culinary arts. It’s a start.

Happy Monday

A xxxx

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