So we were in The Hague (city in Netherlands, not William) and there in the Mauritshuis (no idea) was a collection of old masters. Among them, Vermeer’s ‘Girl with a Pearl Necklace’. So I thought. Ok, let’s go watch a porno then; see if I care. Mel was amazed at my willingness to go to what turned out to be a sodding art gallery. No, its Girl with a Pearl Earring. Ahhhhh, just one Ratner’s window short of a happy ending.

There were lots of paintings. Old ones. Some of which are startling, in their detail and accuracy. Some of which were photographic in quality and lighting, albeit at over 500 years old.

But they’re dull. Dreadfully dull. To me they fall into categories.

‘Laughing Cavaliers’, as I think of them, or miserable Cavaliers; any geezer with a beard and a haughty expression wearing a ruff and New Romantic clothing.

Then there’s the ‘cherubs’. The Renaissance obsession with chubby little naked boys with angels wings. Its as if it happened at the BBC in 1974, rather than Continental Europe centuries before.

Jesus and Marys. They were the One Direction of their day. Couldn’t get enough of them.

Bowls of Fruit. Ever fucking popular. As are flowers. The Dutch Masters loved flowers, as they would, but Jesus, enough already; get a grip.

Old Men. Too old to be Cavaliers, to young to die. Them and self-portraits. Great art. No imagination required; I’ll just paint my own face. Though not in an Adam Ant kind’a way.

And the Girl with a Pearl Earring. Which is a great painting. Especially as it wasn’t a portrait but an act of fantasy on the part of the old Master. What they called a ‘tronic’. A painting from the head.

And if you like this picture, google it. There will be 27 zillion images of the painting. At least. If you google ‘castrated parrots with grey beards eating profiteroles’ you get 52 million options. So Vermeer’s most famous…

Yet standing in front of it, and yes, crouching too, were ‘the tossers’. Trying to frame the painting perfectly in their sodding phones so they can remember it. Even though they knew it before they went there and can see pictures of it any time. But no, I have to have it on MY phone. It’ll look totally different to the other images taken by someone else. So I’ll just stand in the way for half an hour and line up the iphone…

You know that bit in Comic Strip’s Bad News Tour when (guitarist) Ade Edmonson says: “Jimmy Page was 18 when he wrote ‘Stairway to Heaven’, but I could play it when I was 14. I think that says a lot”.

That’s like these tossers with the Vermeer on their phones. “It took Vermeer 5 months and a date with Scarlett Johanssen to paint that picture, and I took it in 3/800ths of a second. I think that says a lot”. Yeah, it does, it says you’re a tosser. Now get out’a the way and let me look at some fucking paintins.

My problem with the ‘old masters’ is that they painted ‘things’. They painted ships and dogs and houses and trees and bowls of fucking fruit and they painted them very well. They just didn’t paint things I particularly enjoy looking at. Concepts. Ideas. Impressions. Harry Kane. Naked women with 3 breasts. Interesting stuff. That came later. I’ll go back next year see if its ready yet.

Happy Returns to the UK

A xxxx