Ali-G, God bless his immortal soul (as the actual ‘character’ is long dead even though its creator is alive and well), would always speak of ‘me mate Dave’. Invariably followed by some really stupid words, thoughts or actions. It was brilliant. Because we all have a ‘mate Dave’. Even if half insist on remaining Davids. Like they’re going to defeat a Goliath or stand naked on the streets of Florence. Or even curl in a free-kick from 40 yards. But because I loved the concept of ‘me mate Dave’, I promoted all my ‘mates’ called David into ‘me mate Dave’s. Which they hate. As I would. Because ‘David’ is indeed the name of Kings (albeit Kings of Israel, but there you are), it’s a name to be taken seriously, to command respect. Whereas ‘Dave’ is his low-IQ cousin. Educationally subnormal, struggles with numbers, can’t tie his shoe-laces properly. Oh, yeah, Dave. Right.

And they’ve named the latest storm to arrive on our shores, sometime tomorrow, Storm Dave. A name lacking in the sheer power required of a proper storm. Storm names should be bold, powerful, resplendent. Storm Ethelred! Storm Muthafucka! Not, fucking Dave. And I hate to make a Dave in a teacup about this, but really those naming people at the Met office (who dun it) have a lot to answer for.

From tea cups we move to egg cups. Big ones. For chocolate eggs. And the big question is: WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY???

Some of us ‘live’ for Easter Eggs. They only emerge for about 3 or 4 weeks a year, during which we have to panic buy, load up and fill the spare room with them before they go off to spawn or whatever they do for the other 11 months of the year when you can’t buy them.

And they are available, but not ‘the good ones’. Not… the Cadbury ones! Because I don’t want a Marks & Sparks chocolate eggs. I don’t want Lindt, I don’t want Hotel Chocolat, (pretentious fuckers), I want lovely, humble, amazing Cadburys. And no-one seems to have them. I went into an Iceland to get these two. Having lucked out in three other major supermarkets. Are Cadbury’s no longer making them in any quantity? And any variety? Or do the supermarkets just not stock them? The two I bought were relatively expensive. Otherwise the photo would show 10 of them. So maybe they’re making them ‘rare’ to increase the price. Like with diamonds.

Chocolate is all about the texture. That’s what makes the same chocolate taste so different. Its form and density. And in Easter eggs, that’s the formula that hits my buttons. Especially the ‘more!’ button. And they’re re-defining an ‘Easter Egg Hunt’. I’m going to write to the King. Not King David, Charlie.

Happy Saturday

A xxxx