What’s the matter with ‘meat’? I’ll tell you. Its not wot’s writ on the tin, that’s wot. They tested a load of ‘meat’ and some of it was just plain ‘wrong’. Pork sausages containing chicken, beef burgers containing lamb, venison steaks filled with turkey and aardvark. All wrong. One in five was not as described. Which is awful. The worst culprits, unsurprisingly: sausages, kebabs and restaurant curries. On the basis that they are all ‘drunk food’ and thus eaten by the least discerning recipients in the world. The people who are just happy to have found somewhere open at 3 in the morning. Because Gordon Ramsey is closed then, and La Gavroche, so Stavros’ Kebab’n’chicken will have to suffice. Drunks seldom looked for terms like ‘locally sourced’ or ‘made from pure…’

I mean, are butchers just stupid? Even Lila knows the difference between a cow and a hen. Although, according to her, both say ‘Mmmmmmmm’. Or is it a conspiracy to unload all the unwanted dodgy bits of all the animals into a form in which it is least discernible? And as for curries, many of the ‘normal’ emporia actually say on their menus ‘meat madras’, rather than the more specific, though apparently not much more accurate, ‘beef’ option. At least ‘meat’ is honest. In a ‘general’ kind’a way.

This is obviously most of a problem for Jews and Muslims who really don’t want to be eating pork when they’ve ordered lamb or chicken. Though strictly, they shouldn’t be eating meat that isn’t kosher/halal in the first place, so get no sympathy. Because kosher ‘meat’ is very different.

The chickens for slaughter get to meet the rabbi, who offers comfort and compassion and tells them that they’re going to be martyred for the cause. That cause being born into a carnivorous world. And when they die they get to chickenly heaven with 70 eggs. And they die really happy and nice. Then those chickens are carried, individually by the rabbis, to the place where they’re cleaned and wrapped, at no time leaving his sight. Same with the cows. Every last steak is monitored and has prayers said over it to ensure it hasn’t come within 73 metres (biblical) of a pig. Or a prawn. That’s why kosher meat is so fucking expensive. All the rabbis. That you have to pay, not eat. They’re not kosher.

But its wrong that so much meat is wrongly accredited. The expression ‘what’s written on the packet’ shouldn’t just be a metaphor. Yet the same rules apply in virtually everything; if you buy cheap anything, its risky. Though often, in particular in ‘meat’ vindaloo, its also very tasty.

And THAT is why we should all become vegans. Kind’a.

Happy Fish on Friday. Yeah, but WHAT fish??

A xxxx