Because of the change in our monarchy, following the death of the Queen (the Elizabeth queen, not that other, new, fake one), the New Years Honours List for 2025 has changed its focus. In line with the disastrous new government, the abysmal state of the economy and, basically, nothing at all good happening anywhere in the UK, this honours list is intended to credit the unworthy. The losers. The tossers. The no-hopers, gloom-mongers, cretins, the morons and those who have failed to achieve. It is thus the most egalitarian honours list ever. And we should be proud of both the government for such a bold and zeitgeisty move, and to the recipients who otherwise, in many cases, instead of taking the knee before the king, would be in the front row of a court room, manacled to the dock.

Sadiq Kahn gets a well deserved knighthood. He’s been London’s mayor for almost ever and has accomplished absolutely nothing of note. Plenty of shit has happened on his watch, lots of rubbish has been spouted, and in really poor English, but he’s managed to be the most worthless of civic leaders and is duly rewarded for it.

Gareth Southgate is knighted for not winning anything with England in all those years of his stewardship. I’m not saying winning World Cups is easy, I’m just sayin’, he didn’t win none. Nor Euros. Thus deserves this honour for his abject failures. Though we all love the man dearly.

And in this context, I must this year be grateful for my continued absence from the honours. By not being honoured, I can claim that my life can’t be the total disaster it often feels like and most people think it is. If it was that bad, I’d be Sir Andy and you’d be on your fucking knees!!! But once again, even with the offer to buy Kier Starmer some underwear from M&S, my ‘services to the nation’ have gone unrewarded, and the PM’s testicles will remain cold this winter. Assuming he has some. And I don’t mean that in the metaphorical sense.

Because he stood up to Elon Musk. In the continuing worsening relationship between our two nations. Musk stated, quite honestly, that he didn’t wish to open a new Tesla factory in Scotland, which had been on the cards, because ‘no-one wants to invest in Britain under the current administration’. To which Starmer’s people (yes, he has ‘people’; you get them free when you become PM) replied that ‘the PM is 100% committed to growth in the economy’. That showed Musk.

In a battle of words between two men about business, economy and productivity, who would you put your money on? The self-made richest man in the world, even though he’s fairly hateful? Or the trumped up civil servant who’s never really worked in the real world and supports Arsenal?

Happy New Year,

(And practising for next year:)

Sir Andy of Londonshire xxxx