Have you in any way pondered possibly the most odd but ne’er spoken about statistic in all those covid numbers which we find ourselves pretty much drowning in? I’m talking about the number of deaths per number of cases, or number of deaths per million of population, or number of deaths… relative to virtually anything. Britain tops the lot. We may not be able to win a penalty shoot out but we can lose more people to a virus than any fucking country out there! We are the world champions of dying. And so you have to ask ‘why???’ Why did so few Germans and Italians and Scandinaves die compared to the Brits? And because we love to speculate and hypothesise and because no-one else is prepared to offer it as a possible cause: is it because we’re a nation of fat bastards?

We know that covid preyed particularly on the obese, as well as virtually anyone else with health issues. Given a choice between Mahatma Gandhi and Hattie Jacques, that pesky little virus would leap straight for the latter, possibly for warmth, succour, fluffiness and everything a’plenty. Even though all that would be more short-lived. Literally.

So the head of the National Food Strategy has finally published his plan. And its a good one. In the main. I won’t question how he intends to affect methane levels produced by sheep and cows, nor am I prepared to even think about it for too long. That’s his problem. But ‘cutting down on meat’ would inevitably go some way to producing the desired effect. Less ruminants; less farting. Simple maffs. By producing less meat we’d also be able to reduce de-forestation (an acceptable double negative in the circumstances, I feel), because cows and sheep need a lot of grazing land, which can only come from currently forested areas.

Amazingly, half of the ‘meat’ Britain produces goes into processed meals and sandwiches as ‘fillers’. Half. 50%. Though I’m guessing it’s not the best 50%, but anyway, its a lot of tail, foot and lung. Mr National Food Strategist is suggesting that instead we use alternative proteins like lentils, like yeast and… like algae. Do I look like a sperm whale? Or even like a vegetarian? But I’d go along with it, whilst quietly wondering where all the tails, feet and lungs are going. To a landfill?

Despite the obvious problem, which is I LOVE MEAT, this initiative has merits. And whilst remaining the least likely tree-hugger and even lesser-likely vegan on the planet, this seems like a good start. Other than the ‘algae’ bit. What does one even taste like? Yet it will benefit a society who, when its not racially abusing footballers, is pigging out on terrible food. Whilst simultaneously doing its bit for emissions. Which will keep me in petrol for longer as my personal guilt will be offset by my collective smugness.

Happy Thursday

A xxxx