I like food. As one somewhat predictable mate has said for the last 40 years “I seldom eat anything else”. Ha, ha. And the expression ‘you are what you eat’ has never been more appropriate. People now define themselves by their diets. Ok, normally its fairly silly people, but it happens to such an extent that after last week’s ruling in the courts, ‘vegans’ are a ‘protected minority’. Like LGBT people. Like Zoroastrians. Like Lib Dems. Legally protected from persecution and discrimination. Fortunately the freedom of speech act means we can still make fun of them all, as long as its not nasty and there’s no death threats.

Last week’s vegan in fact found buses to be just such a death threat to insect life that he refuses to use public transport. That a bus might hit a flea. Which I’m guessing, though I haven’t spoken to many fleas about it, happens quite a lot. Please enter into evidence the windscreen from the 102 to Brent Cross. Covered in the bastards. (Fleas, not vegans.)

But veganism has transcended from just a peculiar food mania, into a complete lifestyle. Once you become a vegan you can no longer wear shoes. Unless they’re made of wood (replenishable) or paper (good in the rain). Your trousers will fall down through lack of a belt. Everything has to be ‘natural’ and non-animal, or synthetic. And you take a pledge to try to convert 15 people every week to your choice of personal deprivation. Vegans are the modern day monks. Unfortunately without any vows of silence.

But there are issues. Why is everyone always trying to make plants taste like meat? If meat is bad, start again. Eat something else. Why try to cook the bark from a tree in such a way that it tastes ‘just like a hamburger!!!’ Because to create such offerings the lovely, plant-based, organic, natural, animal-free ‘stuff’ has to be bastardised to create a completely different texture and taste. Which means adding shit. Lots of shit. Apparently processed vegan food, ‘burgers, sausages, etc’ is just loaded with unhealthy amounts of salt, saturated fats and shit-loads of (plant-based) chemicals. So its ‘vegan’ but it’ll kill you. Vegans are prepared to sacrifice themselves to protect the animals! Nothing is more noble. Or more stupid, perhaps.

What do you fancy for lunch? A cheese sandwich or a chemistry set?

The other problem with wearing non-leather, non-wool, is that cottons and synthetic clothes all come from the Far East. The sweat shops. Underage labour. Horrendous working conditions in Bangladesh and China. For $3 a day.

So, for the foreseeable future (assuming I have one after all the meat I eat and all the wars kicking off), I shall be sticking to my ‘faux-vegan’ diet. I’ll only be eating artificial non-meat-based food. So it looks just like a non-meat burger, but it contains meat. And they may look like tofu sausages but they are in fact beef. On health grounds.

Happy Wednesday

A xxxx