Norovirus is a common affliction. 380,000 cases are found each year. Coincidentally the exact same number as doner kebabs sold each year. That’s a joke actually. I would say ‘in poor taste’, but I love doner kebabs, so I won’t. Novovirus is also known as ‘winter vomiting bug’. One of many classes of Food poisoning. And its found to be worse in take-away food. So although I still maintain that my theory that ‘calories are reduced by at least half if food comes from a man in a crash helmet’ (Conway, Dominos, et al, 2017) is correct, it would appear that the main reason for this is that half of it later gets flushed down the toilet. Long before the other half.

Food handling is the problem. Sandwiches, kebabs indeed, food that is handled is far more likely to be a source of this thing. And the main culprit, foodwise, is lettuce. That most controversial of edibles. Not so controversial for rabbits, just humans. A controversy that will be neatly summarised and evaluated in my upcoming book (Shuster & Shyster, 2021), “Lettuce: what’s the fucking point?”

Oysters and raspberries don’t do too well in the norovirus scene either. But I don’t eat oysters and can take or leave raspberries. Lettuce I only leave. Don’t eat I!!! Cos it’ll kill you!!!!! (That’s a pun. The ‘cos’ bit, not so much the ‘leaves’).

Can you imagine just how horrible it must be for your home to flood? I mean, have you seen the news this week? In the wake of (fucking) Dennis? It’s not just that these poor, low-lying homes are flooded with mere water, that would be bad enough. But its mud. Loads and loads of mud. Washing down roads as rivers overflow or burst their banks.

So you wake up, or are woken up, or have spent all night bailing out your kitchen with a tea-cup, and eventually you realise that, like King Canute, you just can’t win. And everything gets drowned in mud, slime, water, all ruined, everything downstairs just useless. How could it get any worse than that?

Then Jeremy Corbyn turns up. As he did to those poor souls in South Wales. At which point you realise that there is simply no hope. No future. That you have reached the very bottom of the very bottom from which it appears there is no return.

I’m starting a partition to protect other flood victims from this most malicious of intrusion. Jeremy Corbyn is never the solution, therefore he is THE PROBLEM! We must ban him, lest he preys further on those most vulnerable people at the lowest point in their lives.

Happy Friday

A xxxx