I witnessed the saddest thing I’ve ever seen in my life, yesterday morning. And I’ve seen some sad shit in my days. Have you watched Arsenal this season??? But this brought tears to my eyes, a lump in my throat and a palpitation in my heart.

It was the brunch line at the wedding yesterday morning. The morning after. Heads were fragile, the sun was shining and the food, like the recently betrothed, was…
Vegan!!

So you need to consider ‘brunch’, without eggs. That was my first conceptual leap on a morning when, being decidedly after the proverbial night before, ‘leaping’ was not really an option so much as ‘lying very still in the dark moaning quietly’. But then I got on board. ‘Eggs’, I thought, ‘who needs ‘em?’ Ok, maybe the chicken wot laid ‘em?? Not me, I’m temporarily vegan. And I’ll have any number of other brunch things instead. Toast and bu—, toast and synthetic rape-seed and cornflower spreadable non-dairy fat-ish stuff. Cappuccino, made in way in which no cow’s udders were fondled, tugged, pulled or molested in any way. And leaves. All the leaves you could ever wish for, dream of or lust after. But in fact there were croissants. Plain ones, chocolate ones, fruit ones, OMG, I love all that shit, and if its vegan it must be virtually no calorie, so I’ll take all three, thank you. No idea how you make any bake-ables without butter but they either did it brilliantly or they fucking lied to the married couple and just told them it was vegan. And they were good. Really good.

But then the sadness. The tragedy. The young woman in the food line in front of me asked ‘do you have anything gluten free?’ And I thought, if you’re asking for gluten free at a vegan counter, then that is the day your new diets starts. You may not even want to diet, but you’re going to. Would you like some air, madam? A little water to wash it down with? Otherwise, if you look underfoot, the grass looks somewhat delicious this morning, I must say…

I’m at Heathrow and the other end of this road lies Athens. Where I shall impress them all with my mastery of o’level latin. Veni, Vidi, vici… that kind’a thing.

Happy Saturday

A xxxx