This time its from Melbourne. Where scientists (well, they always call them that, don’t they? but who knows, really?) analysed 88 studies of gender issues in the workplace and decided that ‘covert everyday sexism can damage women’s health’. The damage being depression and ‘deep psychological harm’ in an undefined way. And this is Australia. A land so subtle that chat up lines range from: “get yer tits out, Sheila, its yer lucky night!” to “wanna fuck?”

These studies were more concerned with constant workplace niggles. Digs at women, references to their attractiveness (“she’s a DEFINITE 9, that one”) to lower wages and difficulties in attaining promotions.

And they must stop. Now. We can’t have anxieties and possible depression caused by flirting at work. These ‘men’ must be stopped. Castrated. Put on bromides. Forced to abandon any ‘banter’ that could possibly be misunderstood as ‘sexist’, an umbrella that is growing by the day.

So whilst we’re talking about the need to reduce stress, I want politicians to act against people who drive at 25mph in the fast lane on a clear road. I want no supermarket queue at Waitrose, because its depressing. I want to pay less tax, earn more money, have more sunny days (like today… at the moment), more empty seats on the Tube, an end to roadworks, faster wi-fi and I want Spurs to win the league.

No, they’re right, its easier to try to stop men being men. And good luck with that.

Another facet of manliness is measuring dicks. We do it all the time. I never go to the toilet without a tape measure. But billionaires do it in a different way. They buy boats. But not just any boat. They buy a boat that is bigger than anyone else’s. That’s what Andrey Melnichenko is currently doing. Phillipe Starck has designed him a yacht (so far costing £300million and it remains an artist’s impression) that, at 142 metres is bigger than Abramoviches, bigger than the Sultan of Anywhere’s, bigger than big. Its fucking massive.

It is said that the best two days of a boat-owner’s life are the day he buys his boat and the day he sells it. I wonder if that applies to this excessive act of extravagant vanity.

Happy sailing

A xxxx