I haven’t mentioned this before, because its rather shameful, but I have to admit that last December at my tennis club I tested positive for caffeine. We don’t so much have ‘random drug testing’ like they do at Wimbledon, more that in a club with an average age for members of about 79, incontinence is a bit of a problem, so they just test all the discarded shorts. Eeeeuuuuuuwww.

They found traces of numerous banned substances; statins, blood pressure meds, heart pills, memory meds, viagra. And caffeine. Which is a stimulant, increases metabolism, hence can be considered a ‘performance enhancing drug’.

I was immediately ‘stripped’ of my title of ‘winner of the alternate saturday afternoon round-robin doubles tournament’ and asked to return the prize. A bottle of Waitrose slimline Prosecco.

“But I’ve ALWAYS drunk coffee before playing tennis!” I cried in appeal. “The coffee shop is on the way here, and they only banned caffeine last year!!” Then the kicker: “I DIDN’T KNOW!!”

Poor Maria Sharapova. She’s been on ‘meds’ for 10 years, prescribed by her doctor, and they banned it in January. About a week before the Aussie Open, at which she tested positive for the drug, Meldonium. Which sounds like a Roman Empire World Heritage site on Hadrian’s Wall, but its not. Its a drug. For heart stuff. Apparently. That’s why Maria takes it. For her heart. Though she doesn’t really appear to have a heart problem. She takes it because of a ‘magnesium problem’ and a ‘family history of diabetes’. Well if Meldonium was a cure or preventative for diabetes, we’d all be taking it.

She was very sweet and open and teary and honest at the press conference she called yesterday to announce this to the world. Herself and alone for her ‘mea culpa’ moment. And she’s a gorgeous blond thing, which doesn’t hurt when you’re appealing for being a fucking cheat.

Maria is a 20 million dollar a year industry. She’s a phenomenon in sponsorship deals. She has lawyers, advisers, managers, advisers, dieticians, stylists and doctors. She may not have ‘realised’ that they’d banned her drug of choice, but they did.

And she took Meldonium because she’s Russian and that’s what they do. Ten years ago, when she started taking it, she was already a winning professional. She was ‘prescribed’ a then-legal drug because it enhanced performance. the only odd thing is why she’s still taking it now, after they’ve banned it.

If only it had stopped her grunting.

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx