Who invents this shit? Somebody, somewhere decided that babies have difficulties eating yoghurt off a spoon. Which is true, they can’t really hold a spoon properly (doh; they’re fucking babies; of course they can’t; they can’t do anything properly, its why we have them), so let’s invent a canny thing. A ‘bag’ of yoghurt with a little pipe at the top that enables them to squeeze the yoghurt, ‘gently’ from bag to gob, via tube. How hard can it be? (See above; the video is even better and even more inevitable, with yoghurt squirting all over the place).

‘Spoon-feeding’ has now been consigned to life as a mere metaphor. Its origin will be forgotten. That, once upon a time, we mashed up food, pulped it into something usually only done by waste-disposal machines, then slid the slop gently into a waiting baby. Done with. Finished. Because we live in a world (well I do) of ‘baby-led weaning’. At precisely 6 months old, to the day (Lila’s mum is nothing if not precise, bless her), Lila was sat in a high chair and presented with food. Ok, not like a pizza, certainly not a baguette or steak, but food. Peach. Banana. Some porridge. And for an exclusively breast-fed baby this was not ‘food’, just ‘things’. We’ve had bright red balls and fluffy teddy-bears, now we’ve got this shit to play with. Squeeze it, throw it around and, importantly, stick it in my mouth. Aaaaah; unlike the balls and teddys, this has something that I’ll come to know of as ‘taste’. Hmmmm. And its a good thing. So good I’m gonna stick this mango right in my ear. See what it sounds like.

And from small beginnings, Lila is now an official eater. Ok, I won’t lie, it can get a bit messy in there. Basically she eats like a fucking animal. No cutlery, no plate, just hands, feet, mouth, whatever happens happens. Some goes in, chewed, swallowed even on occasion, the rest gets distributed around the globe, like 3rd world aid.

I was horrified when I heard that this is how babies are trained to eat. But now I’m a total convert. Firstly because it actually seems to work, but mainly because it is probably the most entertaining event in the world. Funnier than Michael Mackintyre, more gorgeous than Harry Kane, it has now become my most viewed event. And will remain so. Unless we should beat the Arsenal tomorrow at the Emirates. Then I’ll have a proper choice of viewing forevermore.

Happy Friday

A xxxx