There’s a new movie coming out. On Amazon Prime. Jeff Bezos made it. It’s called ‘Andy’ and it’s the story of my life, told in ‘fly on the wall’ style, with particular relevance to the two terms of Donald Trump’s presidencies. Jeff paid me $40 million for this. And has put aside another 40 mil for marketing the movie. Which he’ll need because I don’t know anyone that would actually pay money to watch the movie. Trump fans will boycott it, on principle, and everyone else will say, ‘Andy? Who the fuck is Andy???’ Which is a real shame because the movie is really designed to show my modelling skills, my natural ‘beauty’, which is only ‘enhanced’ once or twice a month. Ok, once or twice a week. Strutting around in heels, wearing designer frocks and stunning jewels. All displayed magnificently by my natural pout. That Zoolander stare, which I call ‘ice, baby!’, and will be the poster picture for marketing. It’s a result for me, all I had to do was shag a fat, rich, controlling, narcissistic moron and I pocketed 40 mil.

And talking of getting a ‘right result’, Kier Starmer can be proud of his efforts during his 4 day trip to China. He’s proved himself not only to be a wonderful statesman, smiling at all those soldiers lined up to threaten him, but also an amazing negotiator, which is never easy in that nation. He did a fantastic deal in which British people can now enter China, visa-free!!! Obviously, most will then be arrested as ‘spies’, tortured and then we’ll never see nor hear from them again. But it’s a real ‘coup’ for Starmer. And in return for allowing half a dozen Brits each year to see the Great Wall, Starmer has given the Chinese carte blanche to build a massive espionage centre right in the heart of the City, giving it unlimited access to all the financial and defence details which it currently only gets by phone tapping and computer hacking. Now they can mainline straight in. Which in turn will enable China to basically ‘own’ Britain. They’ll put a few nuclear bases here, one in the gardens of Buckingham Palace, another down the Golders Green Road. Because Chinese communism doesn’t allow for such things as ‘monarchy’, so Charles will be deposed and we’ll have King Xi on all our stamps. So well done Sir Kier.

In other developments; have you read all of Jeffrey Epstein’s 3-and-a-half million documents, released by… some American, three-letter organisation or other? No!!! Why not? I read them all. Watched every video, scanned every photo and found… well, nothing of any interest at all. Not because he’s not guilty, though I think being dead trumps being guilty, but because if there was anything massively incriminating, juicy or nasty, that US department would have acted upon it, wouldn’t they? That’s why they’ve had them for years. Anyway, that’s not the point. We should all read every (fucking) document. As soon as we have a year or two free to do so.

Happy Saturday

A xxxx