Cockapoos in handbags is so 2014. Home cinemas? Done that. Midlife crisis in the driveway? Been there. Still there. Smart tvs? Smoothie makers? Gluten extractors? Tattoo on your testicles? All been done.

This year’s ‘must have’ accessory is a Syrian family in the spare room. We’ve all got them. Bob Geldoff… er… Bob Geldoff… and… errr… probably Bob Geldoff. As he has loads of homes. And we’ve been invited to ‘open up our homes to refugees’.

And much as I think that is a noble, virtuous, honourable and (as Cameron would doubtless say as he opens up number 10 to the Hussains from Damascus), ‘morally responsible’ idea, I think more that is the most stupid, irresponsible, inconsidered, vacuous and moronic way to address this issue.

A lovely little boy has drowned; open up your hearts and your homes. Doh?

And I’m sure that at least 99% of these Syrian people are lovely, distraught, decent people in desperate states. Maybe 98%. A lot of ’em anyway. But 2% won’t be. They’ll be child-molesters, rapists, thieves, wife-beaters, they’ll have rap-sheets a mile long, they’ll be Arsenal fans, snow-boarders, work for PPI claims phone rooms, they’ll be bad people. And as none of them have ‘papers’ of any description, how the hell do you know?

Tell you what I do know: San Marino shouldn’t really be in the European Championships. Nothing against them, but it just makes it a bit of a farce. If East Croydon declared itself an independent European state, it would have a bigger population that San Marino and a lot more decent footballers. So why bother playing there? Just give the other teams 3 points each and save the air fares. Lower your carbon footprint. Have a rest. Avoid token gestures at all costs.

Happy saturday

A xxxx