If you stuck an electric heater in your bathtub, plugged in (both heater and bath), you’d die the death of 1000 volts. So how can it be safe to drive a Toyota Prius in the rain? Same thing surely? Water and electricity do in fact mix, but the results are nasty. If ever I have the misfortune of travelling in a Prius I always wear rubber gloves and shoes in case it rains. And I suggest you do too. I also wear a paper bag over my head in case anyone sees me. Not because I feel stupid, hypocritical and laughably pathetic in a ‘hybrid’ vehicle, but because the car is just so ugly. Where’s the rule that hybrid cars have to be ugly? Ok, its written in Japanese, which I don’t read, other than ‘maki roll’. But when Honda brought out their own hybrid, they read that rule and stuck to its every word, so the car is just a Prius with an ‘H’ on the back. And the Japanese word for ‘plonker’ does begin with an ‘h’.

This week BMW entered the eco-friendly world of the hybrid with their quite stunning I-8. Its gorgeous, fast, fabulous, costs a hundred grand, has gull-wing doors, all sorts of wonder stuff, and does 135 miles per gallon. Or thereabouts. Because its ‘mainly’ electric. Ok, electric. But its battery range is quoted as 22 miles. That’s from here to not very far away. About 22 miles away, in fact. Then you get out and push until you die, which, for the average human is probably 113 miles. The car will in fact go like a fucking rocket, but then you have to use petrol, which is burning old carbon, and no-one wants that, so no, its 22 miles then push. And those 22 miles of quiet, smug, ecologically viable, almost replenishable holier-than-thou-ism must feel wonderful. Then you plug it in and wait, whilst lesser cars fly past.

The second (maybe third, I lost count) law of thermodynamics states that energy can’t be created (unless you’re God, he can do what the fuck he wants) it can only be transferred from one form to another. Solar radiation can be converted into electricity, movement can be converted into heat, blah, blah, physics physics physics. So the electricity used to power a Prius, or even a BMW, comes out of a plug. And has been generated by burning coal. More old carbon, planet destroying shit.

So someone just came out with a brilliant idea. Cut out the middle man. Why burn old carbon stuff to produce electricity to power a car, when you can just pour other carbon stuff straight in and the car will just go? Like magic! And for hundreds of miles before you ‘recharge’ with more fossilised remnants.

What happens to the 22 miles if you turn on the lights? Or play the radio? Does it mean the added consumption reduces the range?? So you can travel 22 miles in pitch black silence, or 4 miles of booming stereo and dancing to your own light show. Or ‘headlights’ as they’re known.

Electric power is fine if its for enhancing the petrol engine’s output, driving extra wheels, improving performance. But as an end in itself; total waste of energy. Literally so.

Happy friday

A xxxx