Well I’m sorry if I’m late today, Jesus! So you had to read the newspaper on the tube instead, big fucking deal! I’m not solely in charge of your morning reading matter, I have RESPONSIBILITIES. Even if I’m consistently the most irresponsible person I know. Not the point. You’re important, but when I get a call to see if I can take Lila to school due to ‘logistical difficulties’ then I’m out the bleedin’ door in a second! Then I return, put my shoes on, possibly a jacket, and I’m off again. LILA NEEDS MEEEEEEEE!!!!!

I call it ‘school’. She’s two and a half and its probably just ‘nursery’. But she’s clever. Recognises all her letters and numbers and can perform simple calculus on the binomial expansion. While she’s watching Pepper Pig. And she can speak french. Well, she can say ‘croissant’. Fluently.

So this morning I became a ‘school-run-mum’. It’s easy. I swapped Mel’s Mini for a 19 seater Hummer, took it down all the roads it doesn’t fit into, ran over 4 cyclists, 9 pedestrians and three policemen, parked RIGHT OUTSIDE THE UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE (I’ve upgraded her again), on a triple yellow line, across a zebra crossing, with people on it.

I could have taken an Uber. But this morning they lost their license to operate in London. Ok, it wasn’t ‘with immediate effect’ but I like to obey the letter of any law COMPLETELY.

Because I believe in Transport for London. TFL. I believe that even though they are the same company which licenses, controls and sets fares for black cabs, Uber represent ‘no conflict of interest’ to them. They’re bigger than that. They’re above that. And are only concerned about our ‘safety’.

Because Uber employ men to drive. Well, not ‘employ’ in the usual sense… and you can’t trust men. Even though a vast majority of Black cab drivers are men too. They’re different men. More… womanly? more… gentle? (ever met a taxi driver??) And although Uber do stringent checks on all their drivers, as do Hackney Carriages, Uber’s don’t count because…

And furthermore, the argument that ‘my daughter can’t afford taxis coming home from a club at 4am but gets Ubers all the time’ is just not something TFL consider anything to do with ‘safety’. These daughters can get the night tube. Which, when it runs, would leave them just a 3 hour walk from home. And its perfectly safe. Drunk men, when not vomiting, are notoriously safe travel companions for any young woman. Or they could save up for a few months and get a ‘proper taxi’ home.

So ‘we’ (and I speak for all of London here; well, at least the 3 million Uber users among us) are happy that TFL are looking after us so carefully and concerned with our safety. And understand that such decisions are not in any way made because neo-Corbynite Sadiq Khan just hates high-value, American start-ups. Nothing about that at all.

Well done TFL.

Happy Monday

A xxxx