Oh. My. God. This is the shape of the future. My own worst nightmare (that doesn’t involve Arsenal). No longer will ‘tossers’ be forced to hold their phones clumsily in their outstretched hand to ensure that they never look where they’re fucking going. Because you can now buy an Oculus Rift… thing. And never need to be bothered by the real world again.

Its essentially the world’s most expensive virtual reality gaming accessory at about 550 quid. But I see it as ‘the future’ of a lost generation. Who will never need again to exist in the real, actual, living world that they obviously don’t like very much. I see this picture as how the crowds walking down the Strand will look in about 6 months time. Fumbling around banging into each other, using google maps to direct them 25 yards in a straight line to the tube station because ‘looking’ is just so 1974.

God help us all. I’ve seen the future, but only through a screen.

Whereas the present is where its at. Well, it was last night. Went out for dinner with friends, arrived home, just in time for the news. So I thought. It was delayed. For the cycling at the Olympics. Oh, not so bad, I like cycling. Its very technical, the rules for each race are completely opaque to anyone who isn’t racing, including, as it transpired, most of the judges, but when the dust settles, Britain normally has another gold medal.

So the absolutely adorable Laura Trott (BIIIIIG Spurs fan that she is) won the ‘Omnium’ (don’t ask, 6 different events, most of which involve racing round on a bike faster than everyone else). Yippee. Her 4th gold medal. I love her.

As does her fiancee Jason Kenny. Who was riding next. Already the proud owner of 5 golds from the London and Rio olympics, he was in the final of the Keirin race. Which was delayed because of a little crash in the previous race. Which in turn is unnerving and unsettling. But Jason has nerves of steel. What you could see of him beneath his helmet and full face visor.

Finally the race started. And the keirin is odd (they’re all a bit odd, otherwise cycling would be the most boring spectator sport ever, other than golf). They have to follow a motor-bike round the track for about 4 laps, and they mustn’t overtake him. At precisely 3.5 laps (there’s a white line, so ya know), the bike has reached 50kph and leaves the track and riders all go mad for 2.5 laps to try and win or die, whichever comes first.

The first time someone overtook the motorbike prematurely. Probably 2 riders actually but despite having 67 million tv cameras spread around Rio, they’ve managed to avoid putting one on that white line. Which is so critical to the race that it was stopped. The judges, due to lack of camera-in-the-right-place, didn’t disqualify anyone, just restarted them about 10 minutes later.

More nerves, more unsettlement, more waiting, just what athletes love.

The race started, all good, 3 and a half laps and… someone overtook the motorbike again and the gun fired to stop the race. By which time everyone was getting bored and the judges didn’t even bother doing anything, they just started the race a third time. Probably with the instruction that if anyone fires that gun again, they will be shot. With that same gun.

The eventual, last 2.5 laps were magical. Jason Kenny was simply brilliant. Another gold.

Yiippee-ay-aye

Happy Wednesday

A xxxx