At what point in time did bottle lids become these odd, annoying, permanently attached and infinitely troublesome ‘things’ which you can’t remove without a Stanley knife (be very careful when you do that) or a chain saw (much safer)? And more importantly; why?

Did Ursula von der Leyen see me slurping out of the bottle and decide to invoke a new European law to persecute me? And all the other ‘secret lemonade drinkers’ of Europe? Did Michel Barnier have too much time on his hands after they sacked him as French PM so went back to torturing Brits? Or did those Europeans just pass yet another pointless law which cost 47 billion Euros to implement but has no benefit to anyone?

Because these ‘tethered’ lids are the most annoying thing since the Eurovision song contest was invented and simply have ‘EUROPE’ stamped all over their pointlessness. No British person could even conceive of such a horrible innovation.

I thought it might be an age thing. Mel was buying ’60-plus’ bottles so that when us old folk start shaking when opening a bottle of water, we’re less likely to lose the lid.

But apparently its actually worse than I had originally thought. Yes, it is a European law but its yet something else we have to thank Greta Thunberg for. And when I say ‘Greta’, I don’t mean she was personally responsible for this abomination, but its all about waste plastic. And the… environment!! So thus falls under the Swedish gnome’s remit.

The lids on plastic bottles have become a problem. If you’ve ever seen a sardine try to swallow one, you’d understand. It’s as if there’s a worldwide conspiracy to separate bottles from lids, just to create micro-plastic shit everywhere. So this ‘permanent attachment’ method, could well save… errrrr… lives! The planet!!! Polar bears!!!! Ok, I can’t quite make the connection between lids that never leave and any kind of improvement of the microplastic problem, as you’re not actually reducing waste volume, but that’s my bad.

Since I started writing this, Israel have bombed the shit out of most of Iran’s nuclear facilities and capabilities, Iran have sent hundreds of missiles to Tel Aviv and Jerusalem, and we’re on the verge of World War. But let’s sort out this bottle top issue first, OK?

Happy Saturday

A xxx