Let me tell you about MY Joey. Little Jojo, who turned 2 this week. Because what I have to tell may shock, may horrify or may even having you calling the Police. You see Joey is the most adoringly lovable little boy ever. And I state that with total certainty, with the statistics drawn from a massive sample of… one. He’s the only little boy I know. But he’s sweet. He’s cuddly. He asks for a ‘hug’. He’s beautiful. Big dark eyes, head of light curls, he is just wonderful. Bright, obviously. Speaks fantastically, when his sister allows, and has one quarter my genes so has more ‘genius’ in him than most. The other 3 grandparents I’m not prepared to comment upon without a lawyer present.

So that’s Joey. Well, one half of Joey. The other half is more sinister, more evil, more violent, more… he’s just a thug. A hooligan. A terrorist. He is Jeckyl and Hyde without any medicine. If they made a Magnificent Eight, he be the last one. He’d be Mr Blue in Reservoir Dogs. Mainly because every colour you show him, currently, is ‘blue’. He breaks things. Examines them, works out how they work or what goes where, then just breaks them. His violent tendencies are legendary. Suffice to say: ya don’t mess with Joey!

Yesterday I was in his garden. Involved in a Lila-game, I was a mermaid. Ok, imagination stretch required, but Lila has no issues with that. And she, the ‘wicked pirate’, had trapped me in her net. A little garden football goal. And as I lay there, ‘trapped’, I felt something. Joey had joined in the game. And was kicking me in the head. Normally if I’m anywhere near the floor he’s jumping on my back, but the goal was in the way so he did the next best thing. Kick the shit out of Papa Andy.

I didn’t actually realise until I heard his mummy shouting at him to stop doing that! Then I laughed. Because it was so funny. So Joey. He would only attack someone in such a way who he felt comfortable with. Or, perhaps, knowing that ‘telling off’ is not in that victim’s repertoire. I saw it as a sign of love. No greater love has any man than kicking his grandfather in the head.

Yours deludedly

A xxxx