Charles Darwin. What a tosser, eh? Bloody twit. Didn’t know nuffink about nuffink. Because some bird in Australia found that female birds sing as well as male birds. And I’m not talking about Beyonce here, nor Rhianna. Real ‘birds’, lesser-spotted thingumies and red-throated whatevers. Can you bloody adam’n’eve it? Who’d’a thought??

In his seminal work, (there’s nothing rude about that word, it has nothing to do with fluid, nor watching porn; Darwin died in 1882, a hundred years to the day before the website www.bimbo-slackers.com was even invented), On the Origin of Species, Darwin, as well as shattering literal creationist theories about the world being made in 6 days just over a few thousand years ago, our Charles elaborated to ideas of ‘sexual selection’. The factors in animals (amongst whom we all count; well you do, most certainly, I’ve seen you eat) which are differentiated between the sexes of a species specifically to attract a mate/mates. Darwin uses the word ‘mates’ in a context nothing to do with ‘people you go drinking with or play football with’.

And he noted that male birds are generally brighter in colour, have longer and/or more elaborate tail feathers and sing more complex tunes than their duller, drabber, shorter-tailed female counterparts, who also generally sing more like Victoria Beckham than the males’ more Elvis type chirruping. In fact Darwin thought the females of most species didn’t sing at all. Because its all about ‘show-biz’. The males display and sing to attract mates (in a ‘shaggable’ way). In much the same way as drunk Japanese business executives sing ‘Livin’ on a Prayer’ at the karaoke bar to try and impress women. And whereas these stupid Jon Bon Jovi wannabees generally fail to impress anybody, male birds who sing well definitely get the best birds.

That was the theory. And its still true. But lady-birds sing as well, according to an Aussie woman with nothing better to do than study over 1100 species of the things. And sing quite well. Apparently to protect their nests, to claim territory, to support their Aussie-rules football teams. But that’s not sexual selection, more a social thing. Ok. Let’s be nit-picky then.

The headline ran: ‘Darwin proved wrong!!!!’ For that alone I feel we should disown Australia, cut it off from the Empire and give it back to the Aborigones. If this so-called ‘scientist’ was any good at anything she’d be on Home & Away with all the really good looking Aussie babes. But she’s not. She’s out there in the relentless heat listening to bloody birds singing so she can try and discredit one of perhaps the top 5 true geniuses of all time. (Einstein, Newton, Darwin, Glen Hoddle, Pele).

Darwin’s theory changed the world. To pick a little hole in some of his data is fine, but to use it to try and discredit the man is unworhty and downright low.

I’m going to sing Suspicious Minds now on my karaoke machine. God help us all.

Happy tuesday

A xxxx