George Osborne has presented his new budget. And it a brilliant one if you’re an old, grey, well-off saver with loads of money, who doesn’t smoke and really hates pot-holes in the road. In other words, a budget for old Tories. And cyclists. A grey budget. Which is odd for a man who is rather unnaturally not-grey at all. In fact I think it safe to say that I’m rather more concerned with the state of the Chancellor’s barnet than I am with the budget itself. Because it keeps changing colour. And shape. Tomorrow he’ll probably turn up at Parliament with a bright green Mohican. We can but hope.

This budget is a fairly typical ‘warm them up before the election’ budget so falls short of core Conservative values, like piling the poor people up on street corners and burning them so they stop claiming benefits. It makes no concession to ‘the young’ but they don’t vote and don’t care so its not worth spending too much in that direction.

Because Nigel Farrage has suddenly become ‘the voice of the common man’. Mainly because anyone else has more sense than to listen to him. And Nigel is fighting the good cause for ‘working Britain’, so long as its white and Christian and heterosexual.

In response, George Osborne has graciously knocked 1p off a pint of beer. And that’s massive. The average lower class oik (sorry, these are Mr Osborne’s words, taken from the script he wrote when at Eton) drinks 19 pints of beer a day. So over the course of a month, this massive financial windfall will save Willy Window-Cleaner up to… er… add three, carry nine… times 14… well, it will save this ‘average low person’ several pounds!!!! So the working classes are sorted then. If they want to save more money all they have to do is drink more beer and those savings just mount up and up. A win-win.

Even better, there’s no rise in petrol prices. Which is good because had he increased duty on fuel the entire nation would go on strike and George would be ritually disembowelled by the ghost of Bob Crow. So for those among ‘you’ who choose, selfishly and unecologically, to drive ridiculously consumptive vehicles, you may now sigh with relief. Along with me. Aaaaahhhhhhhhh.

In conclusion; this budget is, like most, a semi-futile and worthless shuffling of minutiae which won’t affect anyone with any degree of significance. It won’t make the rich nicer, the poor less smelly, the unemployed more employable nor the old more secure as they freeze to death unable to afford to turn the heater on. It won’t make the world prettier, it won’t make Tottenham win, it won’t keep David Moyes in his job any longer nor return Crimea to the Ukraine.

Happy Thursday

A xxxx