So this is what’s happening: the North of England is to be closed due to Covid. Of, course, this will be in ‘localised areas’ but basically, from Northampton upwards, its shut. The people of Bolton and Blackburn and Wigan, all of whom support third rate football teams, are already in a kind of ‘mini lockdown’ where meetings between 2 families are banned, pubs closed indoors, blah, blah. And they’re restricting their movements as much as possible. So they don’t bring their horrible diseases down here. Similarly in the north east, from Newcastle down to Norfolk its all bad news. So might as well shut down at least half of East Anglia as well.

Yet I’m not sure this goes far enough to safeguard us. I think we need to start sending northerners who live down here back where they belong. There’s obviously something in the northerner which is more ‘Covid-friendly’ or receptive or spready, and either way, we don’t want it, ergo, we don’t want them.

Virgin are going to run a series of trains from Kings Cross and Euston, one way only, taking these people ‘home’. Even if, like my own dear wife, they’ve lived down here for more than 40 years, anyone who still says the word ‘bath’ with a short ‘a’, rather than a ‘barth’, frog-march them to the station and shove them on board. ITS THE ONLY WAY TO STAY SAFE AND PROTECT THE SOUTH OF THE COUNTRY, THE GOOD BIT.

Football matches between northern and southern teams will now be streamed live on tv, 25 quid a time on pay-per-view, but using FIFA 2020 instead of real players, using professional gamers. You’ll hardly see the difference. Except it will be more skilful. And some of the tattoos will be not as complete until the upgrades come in.

Of course these new rules, regulations and suggestions are subject to change. Approximately every hour. Possibly less. But we, your government, can only try to react to the ever-changing landscape that this pandemic produces. Therefore at times we do tend to appear as a bunch of laughable headless chickens running round contradicting each other. We can only crave your indulgence and protect the NHS. Oh, and lives.

Stay safe. Stay south. Unless you’re a northerner. Then GO HOME!

A xxxx