“Chelsea don’t harbour divers.”

Thus spake Jose Morinho, everyone’s favourite Portuguezer now that poor (not very) old Eusebio has gone to play in the great stadium in the sky.

Odd then, that sixteen Chelsa players have been booked in the last 3 games for ‘simulation’. I think the problem is that players in general but Chelsea players specifically, have no idea what ‘simulation’ means so they keep on diving, thinking its something else altogether.

FYI; simulation is nothing to do with a clitoris.

But never mind because Chelsea’s finances have never looked better. Brilliant year they had, making such a massive profit (errrr, a loss of £49 million) that they are well within the ‘Fair Play’ rules and regulations. Great stuff, long may it continue.

If you can make such an incredible loss (due to the twin evils of the modern game: overpaying for players, overspending on wages) which the Fair Play rules were set up specifically to combat, and be declared ‘ok’ and ‘sound’, then why fucking bother the pretence at all. Cos its all bollox and Abramovich just keeps writing out cheques.

Eusebio was our favourite footballer not because he was brilliant, not because he scored shit-loads of goals for club and country, not because of the honours he won. No, he was ‘one of the best ever’ because of the spirit in which he played the game. Maybe it was a zeitgiest thing and current players lack both the conduct and comraderie and also the enjoyment of the game itself (as opposed to the riches it can bring). Ronaldo may be a better player, scorer of more goals, winner of more things, but he’s a vain and selfish preening ponce of a poseur who thinks ‘Humility’ is a new fragrance by Calvin Klein.

Meanwhile, Adam Lallana used to be such a nice boy. Until about 4 weeks ago when he got an England call-up and turned himself into a hybrid of all the worst parts of Wayne Rooney and Ronaldo. So the ref told him so, and now faces investigation by the FA. Which is actually funny. Players, like Rooney, can constantly be seen calling refs all kinds of truly vile, foul and insulting things. All Mark Clattenberg said was ‘you used be a nicer guy’. And Lallana ran off to his agents, in-house lawyers, image consultants and advisers to see if action could be taken against such horrific persecution. Though the good news for Adam Lallana and Southampton football club is that they share this week’s ‘Tosser of the week’ award. So congratulations to them.

We don’t talk about cricket, we wil NOT mention Spurs and, out of the goodness of my heart, I won’t speak of West Ham either.

I’m coming home, England, and I really missed you. Like a… er…. hmmm…

Happy monday

A xxxx