Arsene Wenger has been royally pissed off this week (or, as they say where he comes from: ‘plus ca change’) because of tv scheduling. Nothing to do with Game of Thrones, series VII, being screened when he’s out at carpet-weaving class, nor that Alsace’s Got Talent will not be shown this year due to no talent being found in Arsene’s homeland. No, he’s pissed off because they’ve scheduled Arsenal’s FA Cup semi-final against Reading at 5.20 today. To be screened on BBC1. Whilst on Sky Sports 1 at 5.30 there is Chelsea playing Manchester United. What will fans watch? I wonder?? The romance and history of the world’s oldest cup competition in its nail-biting final stages? Or what could be an incredible game of football? I know what I’ll be watching.

Come Dance with my Gran, on channel 5. Its Tango week. Will Vladimir, the handsome, toned, skin-tight professional be able to lift Agnes Maythorpe from Pontefract, and her zimmer frame, in the finale? Thrilling stuff.

But I’m fed up with the Premiership. Other than Chelsea Man United which, doubtless, Mel will insist on me watching. Its all bollox. Its all rubbish. Ever since Spurs stopped winning and misery flavoured my weekends. So now I’m only excited by the Championship. Where last night Middlesboro’ beat Norwich to go top of that table. At least until Bournemouth and Watford play today. Not against each other but either can take top slot. But not both. I’m sorry. Football’s not like that.

My mate Ali is a ‘boro’ fan. Ethical-Hedge-Fund-Ali, for short. Though in fact he’s rather tall. And quite posh, even fairly intelligent and educated. Making him the most unlikely ‘boro’ fan around. No insult to ‘boro’ fans, of course. Not that any of them can read. So for him, it would be nice for Middlesboro’ to come back, for a short while, to the Premiership.

Yet I have allegiance too with Bournemouth too. And Watford is one of those ‘almost London’ places which is actually miles away if you happen to live in London but counts itself part of the capital for footballing, rugby and holidays in Teneriffe whilst talking to Mancunians (who actually live in Sale but can’t be bothered to explain the difference either) purposes. I have many friends who are Watford fans, even one brother-in-law.

So my loyalty is divided but really I don’t have that emotional connection and can thus just enjoy the final few games with the simple enjoyment that neutrality brings. And its all such a welcome relief from the elections which are depressing and give me ulcers.

Spurs are at Newcastle tomorrow and I don’t give a shit what happens. Though, of course, I reserve the right to be thrilled if we thrash them and distressed if we don’t.

Happy Saturday

A xxxx