There’s a move afoot. Not sure if I can say ‘afoot’ in case it offends footless people. Or because foot is a meat product in the wrong hands. Or mouths. But they want to change our idioms. Lest they cause offence. Or ‘distress’. Things like ‘taking home the bacon’ and ‘flogging a dead horse’ may do just that among vegans.

So, no longer content with taking away our meat (which they’d like to do), they’re now after our language. Because if you say ‘all your eggs in one basket’ to a vegan they start to cry. Fold up on the floor. Need therapy. Need yoga and quickly, to avoid a crisis.

The vegan’s union (or whatever the fuck they are) want to stop people saying ‘take the bull by the horns’. Because it might hurt the bull? Have they ever seen a fucking bull? That’s why its a metaphorical expression and in no way a literal instruction. Otherwise the health & safety morons would have banned it decades ago. They want to replace the idiom with ‘take the flower by the thorns’. Ahhhh. Nice. UNLESS YOU’RE A ROSE! Not so good for them, is it? Heartless bloody vegans.

I suppose the old tongue-twister ‘red leather, yellow leather’ better get replaced by ‘red totally vegetarian organic leather-appearing substitute, yellow…’ Becomes more of a memory test than one of speech.

It’s the same old problem. Literalism. Saying ‘Jesus Christ!’ when, say Arsenal score their third effin goal, was at one time seen as blasphemy. Now its used all the time, with total impunity, because no one can pronounce ‘Aubameryang’. Or wants to.

There are many of us who get distressed by chick peas. Not because they’re made from pretty ickle chicks (if only) but because of what they have come to represent. Quorn makes me tremble. But I don’t intend to have them removed from our language.

Eat what you fucking want. Just leave my lovely language alone.

This was Lila’s first ever doughnut. Because its Chanukah so there’s no calories and God protects your arteries.

Happy Monday

A xxxx