Football used to be about kicking balls around, maybe scoring goals, committing a few fouls, swearing at the ref, you know, football. Then along came the ‘Premiership’ in 1992, bringing with it loads and loads of cash. Because there were more televised matches. And with money comes accountants. And statisticians. All looking at where their money is going, where it should go, what produces the most value and who is a total waste of the stuff. Football fans became bombarded with analytical statistics. To the point where now, before they’ll issue you with a season ticket, you need to prove actuarial competence. So you understand what the fuck they’re all talking about. Because the answer to the comment: ‘did you see that amazing pass by Kevin De Bruyne to make that goal????’ used to be ‘yeaeaeaeah; brilliant!!!’ or possibly, ‘he’s a Belgian bastard!’. Now the answer is ‘and he’s got an 82% pass completion rate, the third highest in the league, 5th in Europe, BUT his overall score, taking into account goals scored and tackles made puts him top in all European countries, except Scotland, where only Celtic get to score the goals’.

And every day someone comes out with a new statistic. A new number, having thought of something else to count. Mainly for the sole purpose of upsetting Spurs fans. The one I read on Saturday was ‘most points lost by conceding goals in the 90th minute or later’. And my lovely Lillywhites head that table. With pride. So being ‘Spursy’ is actually statistically valid. How chronically depressing.

But with statistics like that, really, we should have been relegated. Numerous times. Yet we haven’t, rather staying ‘ever-present’ since the league began. Which means that although we drop all these ridiculous late points and, it must be said, quite a few much earlier points, we also have times when we win lots and do great things. Because we’re not only ‘present’ in the league but also always ‘up there’. Near the top. Ish. Other than now. Therefore we are probably one of the most inconsistent teams around. Sheffield United are totally consistent. They lose to everybody. Except Manchester United, but we’ll put that down to Covid. So their fans have no expectations, no aspirations, no fucking hope. Which you can accept and enjoy the ride for what its worth.

Whereas Spurs fans are filled with eternal hope. But the inconsistency means that it is never fulfilled. That inconsistency is the only consistent thing. Which actually makes things worse for us than for Sheffield United.

Its not disappointment that kills you, but hope. (The unofficial Spurs motto). And thus, as another season dies the death of a thousand cuts, I think we need a new analysis. The most depressing club to support. As proven by psychologists, statisticians and crying Spurs fans.

Otherwise! Happy Tuesday

A xxxx