As a nutritional expert I have reached a conclusion about a certain class of foods. In my ongoing (lifelong) study of all ‘things wot get eaten’, which has obviously reached new, improved levels since lockdown as we seem to be eating 8 meals a day. The days of a tuna sandwich or a chicken baguette are over. Now we ‘create’ lunches. We have become foody snobs and fine diners. Exclusively. Ish. I make Yotam fucking Ottolenghi look like a man with a hot dog stand.

But the conclusion I reached this very morning was not a salady thing. It was far more important. It was about peanut butter. Because M&S make the absolute best version. You can keep Skippy (tastes too American), everyone else’s is shit, Waitrose very average. But M&S make, for me, the definitive version to which all others aspire and pale into insignificance against. And now they’ve either changed it (I WILL DIE!!!!) or they’ve introduced a new additional one (if there is a God). I just picked it up thinking they’d changed the jar. Then noticed, once I was home, that it had ‘New’ printed on it. As if I someone might view that as a good thing. Then I noticed the killer statement underneath. “No added salt, sugar or palm oil”. NOOOOOOOO!!! I fucking love those additives. And any others they want to throw in, flavourings, e-numbers, colouration, anything. And they removed them. Bastards. And it tastes different. Less… salty, not quite as… sweet, insufficiently… palmy.

So my conclusion is: NEVER BUY ANYTHING WITHOUT ADDITIVES!

And here is my recipe for a typical lunch. The perfect salad.

Marinade haloumi with chopped garlic, balsamic vinegar, soy sauce and olive oil (I mean, come on, that is healthier than… peanut butter), fry in… probably a pan. Until its… done. Prepare a plate with ‘salad’. This must include: lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber, potato salad, coleslaw, boiled egg, avocado, spinach. Add the haloumi, ‘drizzle’ on 4 soup ladles of chilli mayonnaise. Then pick out the lettuce, cucumber and spinach and put in the bin. Sprinkle with a chicken leg or a steak. Add chips to taste. Serve with bread. And another steak. Possibly some sausages.

You can eat healthily in lockdown. It just takes a little effort. And some additives.

Happy day of strange weather

A xxxx