I watched a program called ‘Canada hits on the BBC’. I love those programs and watching BBC4 always makes me feel like the intellectual I really should have been, had I been more… intellectual. More cleverer.

Originally I didn’t intend to watch it. I thought ‘wass’it gonna be? Celine farkin’ Dion? Justin effin Bieber??? And Leonard Cohen (all bow)’. And its not about knowing lots of Canadian artists, because we all do. It’s knowing that they are in fact Canadians and don’t belong to that nether-world to the south.

But a theme emerged, as I watched. They showed about 10 numbers by different artists. And 3 of them had suffered badly from Lyme disease. Shania Twain, who lost her voice for 15 years as a consequence, Bieber himself (see the tattoo of a tic, midway down his left forearm, just beside three death’s heads, a Mona Lisa and a big red maple leaf, before you get to the polar bear on his elbow), Shania and Avril Levigne.

So being a keen statistician I’m going to argue that 30% of Candians have Lyme disease. Or probably will get it. At least before they get their third number 1 hit. And its a horrible thing. You get bitten by a tic and the next thing… you’re Lymed out for the foreseeable.

Therefore if you go to Canada, remember to watch out for 2 serious problems: Polar bears and tics. Of which, Polar bears are much easier to see. And hence, hopefully, avoid. They also don’t eat humans, which tics do. Warning over.

Bryan Adams is obviously Canadian. Obviously. And Alannah Myles who sang the brilliant ‘Black Velvet’, a song filled with Mississippi and other such references, presumably because ‘Calgary’ didn’t rhyme. Anyone with the surname ‘Wainwright’ is a Candian, hundreds of them, generations, all really good. Who knew? Alannis Morissette, yeah we knew that. And Nickleback. Canadian rockers extraordinaire. If ‘How you Remind Me’ isn’t the best rock track of all time, its in my top 5… possibly 15…

There were others, loads of others. But I was suffering withdrawal at that point. I’d been watching the tv for more than 30 minutes and hadn’t seen a goal scored or an ace served. Shaking uncontrollably, I quickly switched channel.

I’d be prepared to forgive Canada a lot just for producing Leonard Cohen. In fact, just for ‘Halleluyah’. But for a small country (I know, its either the biggest or second biggest, depending on who Russia invaded this week; I mean people) it has produced some seriously great music. And Celine Dion.

England playing Ukraine tonight for a place in the semi-finals. Could we… can we… will we…

Answers to all those questions tomorrow. Unless we lose. Then you can all fuck off and let me sulk.

Happy Saturday

A xxxx