Good morning Britain.

As your chancellor, I’d just like to explain to you why I said some things wot may have not been strictly, 100% accurate, at the time of saying. Because the right wing press seem to think that my friend, Kier, and me, have been somewhat ‘economical’ with the truth in our pre-budget panic-rousing. As you know, all kind of ‘economics’ is a bit beyond my sadly limited comprehension, which is why I have teams of people doing da maffs for me. Even truth type ‘economics’.

The Office of Budget Responsibility told me a month before the budget that our much-vaunted, constantly-levelled, incessantly mentioned ‘black hole’ in the nation’s economy, of ***** billion quid (feel free to insert any number in there that sounds impressive and scary; its what I always do. Consistency not required.), was in fact just, kind’a ‘not there!’. What was there instead was a surplus. Money in the bank. 4 billion quid. Oh.

And there’s me been telling everyone that we’re FUCKING DOOMED TO DESTITUTION AND HOMELESSNESS because of hole which ain’t there. And I didn’t want to look any more stupid than I look now.

So, having spent the last 15 months as the ‘chancellor-of-doom!!!’, and ‘fucking gloom!!!!’, Kier and I re-jigged the numbers a bit. Or, rather, we ignored the numbers. Bloody OBR, gettin’ in the way of a good story. So we could appease our noisy back-benchers who all wanted to lift the ‘2-child-benefit’ cap, which costs a few bil a year to do. And we thought that while we’re there and everyone’s gritting their teeth to discover what punishments I was going to impose on them, be a shame to disappoint, when there’s loads more ‘welfare’ we can give away. Not just to the 17 year-old, drug-addicted mothers of 5 kids in Bradford, but to all manner of skiver, work-shy, sick-note types, probably with long-term ‘mental health issues’, who could do with a few bob. And we are Labour, its what we do.

Might as well take all the money from the workers. Both ‘working people’ type workers, who we’ll re-name ‘ordinary people’, and also from… ‘extra-ordinary!!’ types who can pay ‘extra’ taxes for their work, so that the non-workers can all get an bonus, an incentive, if ya like, never to come off benefits.

And if we had to tell a few little ‘porky pies’, if we needed to ‘ignore a few facts’, so we could appease our party members, it was all part of a big plan.

What we don’t want to do is cheer people up. We’re not fucking entertainers, we’re the government. And our job is to increase the perception of misery in the nation. Something I think we’ve been very successful doing, in no small part due to the budget.

Now let that be an end to the idle speculation, and the latest round of calls for my head, if not just my resignation.

Rachel from Accounts
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