So I’m obsessed. Addicted. Devoted. The Olympics, which never excite me any more than new electric car charging points at Arsenal’s stadium, simply take over my life once they start. I don’t watch it, but then see some on the news. And then see more in hilights programs which just come on. And then it slowly creeps up until…

It rules my life. And being in Tokyo, a perfect 8 hours ahead, its always on. And because Britain are winning, its on even more. I don’t mean ‘winning’ in the probably normal sense of… of ‘winning’ as such, like counting up medals and shit like that, I mean ‘winning’ because… because we are. And we deserve to. Morally, we’re winning. You can’t count the Americans because they cheat, nor the Chinese because with a population so big they can pluck 25 synchronised swimmers off any street in Beijing, half a dozen pole vaulters and a 13 year old gymnastics champion. Then they just stick them in specialised institutions where they don’t emerge for 5 years, force fed proteins, worked 19 hours a day, drugged up to the eyeballs, and then they’ll win gold medals. Or be killed, along with their entire extended family, upon their return.

Yesterday I watched ‘artistic gymnastics’. Painting a portrait whilst performing back flips? I’ve never heard of it either, though it must be said, the busiest people on the Olympics committee are those in charge of changing the names of the sports to confuse everyone. These are gymnasts, but a bit bigger than the usual 12 year olds, bit older, bit stronger. And they dance across the mat playing with toys. Maybe batons, a 6-metre twirling ribbon, hoops, which must keep moving all the time whilst the athletes dance in a gymnastic way, contorting and flipping in ways that no real human can. And the Israeli girl won. Beat the Russians and Belarusians, who were so pissed off that Putin immediately declared war. On Israel. And Japan.

This morning I watched Jason Kenny win his 7th gold medal on his bike. You actually deserve a medal in the velodrome just for understanding what you have to do in any of the obscure versions of ‘pedalling very fast’ they come up with.

Next was volleyball. No, nothing pervy here, this was INDOOR volleyball. Which is a shame. Because they let the contestants wear clothes in that one. It was brilliant. It’s all brilliant. We won golds in the men’s and women’s modern pentathlon, FFS!!! I mean, what’s more ‘modern’ than fencing? And I want to know who invented the bit they run around a track stopping to shoot guns every 3 minutes. Just targets. I could understand if they were shooting people, but then the Russians would have probably won.

And now its over. Other than the doubtless ridiculously overlong, overblown, over there, ‘final extravaganza’, which will go on until Wednesday, thrilling the massive crowd, who aren’t there. I can’t wait.

Then its just 3 years to wait for the next one!! By which time I’ll be totally indifferent to it, and the cycle win begin again.

Happy End of Olympics day

A xxxx